‘There’s no room for football in racism’, bigots confirm

Following widespread condemnation of the online abuse hurled at three England players after their Euro 2020 final defeat, the nation’s bigots have hit back by renouncing football as the primary platform for their racist rhetoric.

In response to scathing criticism from the FA and England Manager Gareth Southgate, and a slightly vague, non-committal ticking off from the Prime Minister, racists across the country have now united against football. A statement issued by the newly formed group, Racism Against Football, asserted that, “football will no longer be tolerated in any form” as an outlet for attacking people “who don’t look like they’re from round here”.

The group were unable to issue any further updates on their plans, however, as their Facebook and Twitter accounts were permanently blocked two minutes after their initial statement was published.

'Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?' says Met Police

“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.

“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.

“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?

"I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day - on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.

“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.

“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”

Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes

Even as a nation's tears flowed, following England's defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it's not all bad news.

Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.

A spokesman for the company said: 'Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.'

It's understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.

'This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,' said the boss. 'There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn't modern sport truly wonderful?'

In related news, it's been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.