top of page
Search
Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Nov 5, 2021

Ref’s vanishing spray is whipped cream, claims Webb



FIFA super-ref and occasional Manchester United squad member Howard Webb has revealed the new ‘vanishing spray’ he has been issued with for this year’s World Cup to help make free kicks fairer, is indistinguishable from whipped cream, and just as tasty.


‘I’ve been sent ten cans of the stuff, and my three kids love it on donuts, while my wife and I enjoy it immensely on a cup of hot chocolate. So far with no ill effects - except that now, everyone keeps ten yards away from me,’ he quipped.


Apart from being delicious, use of the spray has attracted some controversy, after Japanese referee Yuichi Nishimura used it to draw a number of penises on the Sao Paulo pitch at various points during the Brazil-Croatia game.


Nishimura faces disciplinary action if, as some have suggested, a dreadful late sliding challenge from a Croatian defender on Neymar was influenced by him writing ‘Kick me’ on the Brazilian’s back, 15 seconds before.



eppursimuove
Nov 3, 2021

Hollywood greenlights new film - The Conte of Ouste Nuno

Updated: Dec 25, 2021



A Hollywood studio has given the go ahead to a new film of the timeless classic, The Conte of Ouste Nuno.


The story, thought to have been written by a well-known dumbass, sees the hapless Conte lured into a trap by the treacherous Levy de Manque d'Argent (literally - the north Londoner who lacks silver). Finding himself imprisoned miles away from civilisation in the Chateau Dire, Conte meets another prisoner, the Abbé Harrykané, who says he's been trying to escape for years. Harrykané claims to be so old he can remember Spurs winning something, and also tells Conte of a fortune in silverware, said to be housed in the Chateau's trophy room.


Using the spittle emitted whenever Harrykané speaks, the two of them wet the cement around their prison bars until they're loose enough to remove. When they're about to escape, Harrykané says he can't go with him as he's dying, though Conte suspects he's just feigning injury as usual. Conte breaks out and finds the trophy room, only to discover it contains nothing but dust and a small cup for jointly winning the FA Community Shield in 1991.


Embittered by this dashing of his hopes, Conte falls into a remorseless cycle of despair, anguish and self-pity i.e. he takes the Man United job.






Writer's pictureDoctor Chutney
Nov 1, 2021

Premier League footballer openly admits “I’m overpaid"

Updated: Nov 26, 2021


Professional footballer, Terry Knowles, has become the first player in the Premier League to publicly announce he’s paid far too much for what he does.


He spoke of his relief and how he could now be himself and stop living a lie. 'I’m a sportsman of average ability lucky enough to play at the top level, but not worth two-hundred K a week. I was in denial, battling with my remuneration.


Knowles says he has struggled for years with the leafy Cheshire suburbs lifestyle when all he desired was a Manchester back street two-up-two-down and to drive around in a battered Nissan Micra.


Asked how his team mates were taking the news, he said their reaction had been largely supportive, although they all wanted to emphasise, they were definitely, 100% worth the money. He also praised his club for their reaction. 'Apparently the Chairman wants a meeting to see how quickly the Board can facilitate my new status.'






bottom of page