The ugly face of football

Footballer admits that hand signals before a corner mean absolutely nothing

A Premier league footballer has admitted that the complex hand signals made to team mates just before taking a corner kick mean absolutely f*@k all. 

'They're all absolute bollocks to be fair', said Paul Jones, Brentford's reliable number 7. 'That one I do with my left arm aloft, 4 fingers raised - it really means nothing, mate'. 

'The long wait with both my arms straight in the air, looking over earnestly at Dave on the back post? Completely meaningless', continued Jones. 

'At the end of the day, there's only 2 types of corner - inswinger or outswinger', admitted Jones. 'If the ball lands on someone’s head? Pure luck'. 

Jones also revealed that when footballers were cupping their hands and whispering to each other before free kicks, they were likely to sharing a crude joke, or discussing which pub they'd be going to after the game. 

'Commentators and pundits read a lot into them, saying we’re tactical geniuses, but none of our signals or secret whispers mean a thing', said Jones. 'Oh, with one exception. That fast upward and downward movement with my hand in a fist shape, whilst mouthing 'W@*ker to the referee - that's totally genuine'.  

Coleen and Rebekah to battle it out in the ring

Inspired by the pointless money-grabbing exercise that was the fight between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson, we have been told Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy have decided to stage their own boxing match.

In a move that's possibly less violent than their infamous Wagatha Christie court case, the two footballers’ wives will go toe to toe live on TV.

The TV rights to the fight – due to take place at 3am in a locked-in pub in Wigan - have been bought by Sky Sports for £1.50.

“We’re both up for it,” said an excited Rooney, who is married to one of the worst football managers in Plymouth. “And there’s no chance of either of us getting a split lip because there’s too much collagen in there.”

“She’s dead,” added Vardy. “And I’ve asked my agent to drop my phone into the sea so my training doesn’t distracted.”

Bookmakers have Vardy as the 5-1 favourite compared with 16-2 for her rival.

“To be honest, they both look so similar we could probably get away with claiming the loser had won,” said a spokesman for Padded Power.

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