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‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

A footballer was surrounded by chest beating team-mates after winning a throw-in somewhere near the half way line.


Fans near the touchline said the throw-in celebrations reminded them of the rebel rousing speech given by Mel Gibson to his troops during the film Braveheart…only with better acting.


Players beat their chests, bellowed pledges of loyalty to the badge and roared defiantly at the assistant referee for not putting his flag up sooner.


The player who won the throw-in was greeted with chest bumps and high fives from team mates and the goalkeeper ran 40 yards to kiss his forehead.


Fans started singing the players name and pundits in the studio said winning the throw-in had probably added an extra £15m to his transfer valuation.


Social media was soon ablaze with conspiracy theories surrounding the incident with some fans claiming the throw-in was taken from the wrong place resulting in the referee receiving death threats from opposition fans.


When play resumed the player took the throw-in near the half way line and the ball was played back to the goal keeper.


Fans can see the winning throw-in on Match of the Day this evening or on iPlayer if they miss the show live.


Have your say : Was it a throw in or did the assistant referee get the decision wrong?


Image: Pixabay/

Mathematicians resolve 5-a-side teams to 11 versus minus 1



A group of mathematics students trying to organise a game of 5-a-side have resolved the equation of player distribution into eleven against minus one, despite the solution being in the name of the game.


Second-year student Oliver Jaunt, commented: “Putting five players on each team logically cancelled each other out, effectively leaving the product of players as zero. This didn’t match the empirical evidence of there being ten of us waiting to play. Plus, it was getting cold, sugar levels were dropping, and four players needed a wee.


“We experimented by having the players line-up with legs astride the halfway line, wherein everyone could play quantumly for both teams at the same time, as long as they weren’t observed out of position.


“This worked as elegant mathematical symmetry. But, because nobody moved they were both onside and offside simultaneously, incurring yellow cards and subsequently getting sent off, which upset some players.


“To resolve the problem we borrowed a negative player for one side and added an imaginary player to the other which served as a functioning solution to how we could have a multi-player kickabout without reducing numbers to zero, and sobbing.


“Once the proof was submitted for review, we had run out of time on the pitch. So we had snacks, juice and another wee, then designed a computer program to simulate the match.



“It was thrilling, the game finished y+(x/x2) to minus nil. We’re playing Rugby 7s tomorrow”


First published 3 April 2023




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New Old Trafford stadium will 'be the best in League Two'



Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.


One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'


'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'


Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '


Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

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