Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’

It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’

The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’

 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’

A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’

Image credit: "Project 366 #97: 060424 It's Been A While" by comedy_nose is marked with CC0 1.0.

Premier League to benefit from Chequers sell-off

The government is to sell off Chequers, the official country residence of the Prime Minister. Officials have pointed out that Chequers offers poor value for money, due to the huge cost of maintaining the 16th century building and the large surrounding estate.  The sale proceeds are expected to exceed £42million.

Instead of using Chequers to host official meetings, officials believe that it will be cheaper for the Cabinet Office to buy boxes at each Premier League football club, so that they can be used for official government business.  Their accessibility, at clubs across the country, makes them far more convenient than a trip to Chequers, which is somewhere near Wendover. 

Wendover FC play in the Aylesbury and District League and do not have any boxes available for hire.   Only Greg Smith, the local MP, has ever expressed any interest in holding meetings at Wendover FC.

Premier League clubs will benefit from the extra revenue and the kudos of holding important meetings.  A key advantage of the scheme is that, as the use of the boxes will be an official government expense, MPs will not need to declare any benefits in the register of Members’ Interests.  Officials were unable to say if meetings would take place during football matches, or at other times, but did say that the boxes would always be made available to MPs if they weren't being used for meetings.

Image: kxrz - Pixabay

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Fantasy Government League - Tory Disunited

The next round of Fantasy Government League is already causing a lot of head-scratching for the manager of the Tory footer XI.

First of these is who to nominate as captain. Doubling up your points for that MP is normally seen as a positive thing. But if your selected player ends up with a negative score, twice that is worse than ever. So, do they stick with Sunak, or switch to a new captain? There are no guarantees. But then again, a real wildcard might just be the answer to their shortage of goals. Oh, if only they'd kept hold of that charismatic little tousle-haired blonde American lad. He might have been able to knock up a few.

Even if that problem is solved the next issue is can they field a full team? Many of the regular squad have already announced their unavailability at the end of this season. Others have suffered injuries - mainly shooting themselves in the foot. And several have been given red cards, meaning automatic suspensions. The usual response to this situation is to buy replacement players. But who would join a relegation-threatened side with further points deductions looming due to financial irregularities? Things have come to a pretty pass indeed when the Premier League is the moral arbiter of the Government.

Finally, if enough players can be found, it's not often that a team lines up with an unconventional 10-0-0 formation. No attacking forwards, no midfield strategists, and simply ten bodies from the supporters' club pressed in to service as makeshift defenders. Where, oh where, is that big red Brexit campaign vehicle? If ever there were a time to 'park the bus' this surely is it. A £350 million bribe to the Saudi league buys you nothing these days!