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In yet another swingeing cost-cutting move, Manchester United have fired their entire football department and replaced it with an AI chatbot. ‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe believes that the new chatbot will incrementally enhance the marginal gains produced in every phase of organizational endeavor up and down the value chain,’ said a club statement. Calls inquiring whether the statement itself was written by AI went unanswered.
The chatbot may not be fully prepared to take on all of the football department’s responsibilities, according to club sources. ‘Yesterday, when asked what direction the squad should take, the chatbot advised hiring Jose Mourinho, bringing in Antony, and suing to obtain half of Rock of Gibraltar’s stud rights,’ said one knowledgeable insider. ‘So, yes, we clearly still have some distance to travel.’ The source said the aim was to have the chatbot in ‘something approximating working order’ prior to the summer transfer window.
Man U’s football department ‘has admittedly not performed well over the last decade,’ said Alfred Newman, Assistant Professor of Obvious Football-Related Statements at the University of Manchester. ‘But to go in with both feet on AI will be difficult for an organisation not renowned for its advanced thinking.’ Newman said that Man U should consider ‘first utilizing an algorithmic decision-making device of a more basic nature, like, say, a dart board.’
The football department's demise comes as the team continues to struggle under manager Ruben Amorim. The Portuguese encountered more heavy seas this week after he reportedly advocated loading his squad onto a rocket and firing it into the sun. According to a team source, Amorim later acknowledged that he regretted saying ‘the sun part.’
Liz Truss has announced her intention to become a Premier League manager.
Following her controversial attempt to sue Sir Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy, the former Prime Minister, has decided to move from politics to the world of football.
Truss is said to be targeting the vacant job at Everton, following the sacking of manager Sean Dyche.
But wherever she ends up, her main aim is to increase the number of home-grown players.
“We import two-thirds of our footballers. That is a disgrace,” said Truss, speaking at the launch of her campaign.
Typically confusingly, she added: “This month I’ll be in Beijing, opening up new striker markets.”
And hinting at where she’d like to eventually end up, she added: “We’ve got 10 years to save the West Ham.”
Truss, whose 49 days in power marked a new low for a British prime minister, is expected to announce Kwasi Kwarteng as director of football and a lettuce as kit manager.
image from pixabay