Entire UK united in ecstatic celebration as interest rate stays at 5.25%

Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".

It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.

Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.

5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.

Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash

Government introduces new P.O.O.R. tax.

As rising prices make even basic necessities unaffordable to anyone on a low income, the government has announced plans for a new ‘Purchase Of Ordinary Requisites’ (P.O.O.R.) tax, which will add 100% to the cost of many everyday items. A government spokesb@stard said, “There seems to be some confusion among those on low pay, which leads them to believe that despite their reluctance to earn a decent wage, they should still be entitled to a basic standard of living. This new tax will make life easier for them, by making it obvious that they must do without certain items if they are too lazy to earn enough money to pay for them.” Some of the items which will be subject to the new 100% P.O.O.R. tax are: Cheese: This used to be considered as an affordable basic foodstuff, but the price of cheese has rocketed in recent months. Traditionally, cheese was an essential ingredient of a Ploughman’s Lunch, but with the addition of the P.O.O.R. tax to the already high price of cheese, ploughmen and other agricultural labourers will have to make do with nothing but a thin scraping of cheap margarine on their sandwiches. The government advises those who cannot afford cheese to eat cake, although a small allowance of Dairylea is being considered for anyone who is willing to pick fruit. Energy: The government believes that poor people don’t need gas or electricity, reasoning that if they can’t afford to buy food, they won’t need to use energy for cooking. As lack of food causes low blood sugar which leads to symptoms such as sweating, they won’t need energy for heating, either. Holidays: The government regards holidays as an unnecessary extravagance for anyone who isn’t a Tory MP. Even a rainy weekend in a caravan in Skegness is too much of a luxury for minimum wage earning plebs. Housing: Rising mortgage interest rates and high rents are making it too expensive for many people to afford a home. The government advises those who don’t earn enough to keep a roof over their head to live in a tent. Unfortunately, as tents are classed as an item which could be used on a camping holiday, they will be subject to the 100% P.O.O.R. tax which applies to holidays. Just in case the P.O.O.R. tax doesn’t succeed in making those who are already struggling financially totally miserable, the government is also planning to employ ‘Sunshine, Mirth, Infectious Laughter and Enjoyment’ (S.M.I.L.E.) Wardens, who will impose on-the-spot fines on anyone on a low income who still looks happy.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

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British middle-classes realising food shortages are no longer a 'working class' thing

"Honestly, I just could not believe it," admitted a tweed-clad lady, about to step back in to her Porsche Macan in the car-park. "I invited Geoff, Mary, Susi and Tom for a spot of supper in the new kitchen/diner, and here I am, without even the basics to keep the wolf from the door. I've never seen Waitrose so bereft of provender.

"That green veg aisle is just an embarrassment these days. There was no wakame to be found anywhere. I even asked a young man who worked there and he'd never even heard of it! I improvised very quickly and moved on round the store, but everywhere I looked they had "temporarily unavailable" signs. What on Earth does that mean? There was no pul biber, they were down to the last jar of a very suspect looking za’atar, and the khachapuri had certainly seen better days. It's quite outrageous.

"I don't recall Mr BoJo ever warning us about this. I mean, normally Robert, my husband - dear, lovely, Bobby - gets a little phone-call from someone to warn him about things about to go up in price, or go down in price, or whatever, I can't quite remember. But I do know that Bobby is usually tremendously excited when he gets these little snippets of good fortune. He tells me things have never been better. But, believe me, I will have a word with Bobby when I get home. Why can't he get phone-calls to tell him about when the luganega di Monza are in stock?

"I mean, really, what does he expect Matija to cook with when I'm feeding his friends? The poor woman. I do feel sorry claiming that housing allowance for her and her family. I'm not sure this is quite the 'salaried career opportunity' she thought she'd been promised when they arrived. Anyway, thank God Waiters still had some Krug. Even if there's no food we can still have a jolly nice supper."

Image: Pixabay/Daria-Yakovleva