Supermarket scraps use by dates on milk

Another British supermarket is scrapping use by dates on milk in a copycat - copycow? - move. The chain believes that customers don’t mind solid chunks of proto-cheese landing on their breakfast cereals or splashing into their mocha latte coffee.

A spokesman said 'Slightly off milk is just as nutritious and easier to digest, as the friendly bacteria in the milk have done some of the work for you. That sounds like science! It’s not just milk that’s gone horrible, it’s M&S milk that’s gone horrible, which is quantitatively and qualitatively better. And you get loyalty points. When you are sick, it's not just vomit, it's M&S vomit. And 10% off pre-paid funeral plans.'

'Accrington Stanley? Who are they?'

Image: Andrey Zvyagintsev (@zvandrei) | Unsplash Photo Community

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.

Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.

‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.

‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’

Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'

When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/elsemargriet-1614842/

British middle-classes realising food shortages are no longer a 'working class' thing

"Honestly, I just could not believe it," admitted a tweed-clad lady, about to step back in to her Porsche Macan in the car-park. "I invited Geoff, Mary, Susi and Tom for a spot of supper in the new kitchen/diner, and here I am, without even the basics to keep the wolf from the door. I've never seen Waitrose so bereft of provender.

"That green veg aisle is just an embarrassment these days. There was no wakame to be found anywhere. I even asked a young man who worked there and he'd never even heard of it! I improvised very quickly and moved on round the store, but everywhere I looked they had "temporarily unavailable" signs. What on Earth does that mean? There was no pul biber, they were down to the last jar of a very suspect looking za’atar, and the khachapuri had certainly seen better days. It's quite outrageous.

"I don't recall Mr BoJo ever warning us about this. I mean, normally Robert, my husband - dear, lovely, Bobby - gets a little phone-call from someone to warn him about things about to go up in price, or go down in price, or whatever, I can't quite remember. But I do know that Bobby is usually tremendously excited when he gets these little snippets of good fortune. He tells me things have never been better. But, believe me, I will have a word with Bobby when I get home. Why can't he get phone-calls to tell him about when the luganega di Monza are in stock?

"I mean, really, what does he expect Matija to cook with when I'm feeding his friends? The poor woman. I do feel sorry claiming that housing allowance for her and her family. I'm not sure this is quite the 'salaried career opportunity' she thought she'd been promised when they arrived. Anyway, thank God Waiters still had some Krug. Even if there's no food we can still have a jolly nice supper."

Image: Pixabay/Daria-Yakovleva