Going to the shops 'a bit spicier' during a red weather warning

Recent research has uncovered that even the most mundane tasks can be livened up by performing them whilst there is a risk to life.

Luke Lyle describes himself as an adrenaline junkie but is described by others as 'a tool, who lives in his mother's basement'. Lyle said 'Yeah man, I just can't get excited about things you normos do. But when there's a danger of death because of raging flood waters or high winds, I make unnecessary journeys like there's no tomorrow. Woo! Feel the rush! I mean... I do have to get rescued quite often, but it still counts.'

Scientist Piotr Polkowski said 'Climate change means there will be more extreme weather, so bellends like that will have more fun - and need rescuing more often - as the world burns. I'm not saying I've bought a hunting rifle and lots of canned goods, but I'm not not saying that either. Plus the first people that rising floodwaters will drive out of their homes are people who live in their mother's basement.'

Polkowski angrily denied building an ark, before adding 'Who told you about Project Noah?' He then looked longingly at his rifle, muttering 'Soon.'

Elsewhere, a drenched spokesperson for the actress Andie MacDowell rolled their eyes, before confirming that MacDowell had in fact noticed it was raining. The spokesperson complained that MacDowell has been in other films and done quite a bit of telly as well, actually.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

Mitigation my @rse!