British fish to take lessons in conversational French

A four year old cod living off Dover has caused outrage within it's shoal by registering for French evening classes in order to avoid being 'labelled' as part of the UK fish stock.

Under international law, the fish would ordinarily be considered English, meaning it would be caught by the Men of Kent and end up overcooked and sold with a huge portion of soggy chips in PJ's takeaway, alongside reformed kebabs and battered pork sausages which have been nowhere near a pig.

Fishermen have reacted angrily to the absence of patriotism displayed, calling on the government to intervene in order to prevent the further dilution of English values within the 'white' fish population.

image from pixabay

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Britain’s fish pun stocks ‘critically endangered’

Following many decades of indiscriminate overuse, the Department for the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs has warned that Britain might run out of fish puns within the next ten years. Some experts now believe that a complete ban may need to be put in plaice to stop unoriginal forced banter depleting the seas forever.

‘It may sound like something out of a bad bream but the industry is sardine-ly perched between a rock and a hard plaice,’ said a DEFRA spokesman. ‘From what we’re herring, there isn’t a single seafood-related piece of wordplay that hasn’t been done to death, unfor-tuna-tely.

‘We’ll mullet over in committee but the scale of the problem should net be underestimated. If you can think of a better solution, you’ll have to let minnow. Don’t be koi about it.’

Recently, representatives of the Grimsby fishing industry petitioned the Government for the seafood industry to be given special free trade status after Brexit, despite Grimsby itself voting strongly to leave the EU after a strong campaign by U-kippers. DEFRA believes that this is completely impractical, however badly the industry is floundering.

‘I’ve haddock enough of this. The s-tench of hypocrisy is appalling,’ said the spokesperson. ‘You can’t spend years complaining about the Common Fish Pun Policy then demand an exemption. It’s quite troutlandish behaviour: they think they can have their hake and eat it. Hey, did you see what I did there?’

Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon were unavailable for comment.

Image: Maklay62 | Pixabay

Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

French trawler impounded outside Bridlington fish shop

The continuing spat between the UK and France over fishing rights escalated yesterday after a French vessel was detained and its crew arrested. The 40ft trawler, ‘La Colope Coquine’, had reportedly anchored just off ‘The Only Plaice In Town’, a fish and chip takeaway on Bridlington High Street.

The takeaway’s owner, Ted Ruskin, told us,'A couple of their guys just started fishing around in my fryer. That’s taking a liberte that is.' However, the trawler’s skipper said they were perfectly within their rights to be there as they had a licence to fish for cod, haddock and scampi. He admitted they did net some British sausage but threw it back in as it was far too small.'

The last word to Mr Ruskin who commented, 'I’ll say one thing for the French. They love a good scrap.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mcsc1995-3539629/

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