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Governments are rushing to revise climate change plans after the latest news that sea levels are rising not from carbon emissions but a worldwide epidemic of marine obesity.
Over-eating has become a major problem, with many whales being up to five tons overweight, says fish expert Dr Alan Knox. 'There's just less room for the water.' he explains with his PowerPoint diagram.
'We need a major diet plan and lifestyle makeover for fish, or Birmingham will be under 10ft of water by 2050,' warns Dr Knox, who absolutely denies any ties to the oil industry. 'They're just lazing around eating plankton all day and getting no exercise.'
HKnow goes on to explain the problem also has implications for the film industry: 'Most marine predators are too fat to chase anyone anymore. I don't know how you'd make Jaws nowadays. You'd need a stairlift to move the shark around. As for Moby Dick, you could just lure him to a Weight-Watchers Anonymous meeting and slap a harpoon into him.'
However, the good news is that Britain's motorways are free of eco protesters for the first time in a year. 'It's great to be able to move around again without any hassle.' says commuter David Grace. 'The Extinction Rebellion crowd have all gone off to sea to fat-shame the whales.'
Nicola Sturgeon is set to wriggle off the hook of recent controversies today as she slips the net of politics and announces her intention to resign as leader of the SNP.
Kirsty MacKarrel is tipped by insiders to be the likely next leader of the SNP.
She is said to be favoured by the traditionalists in the party, and by past leader Alec Salmond, primarily because her name fits the established convention of being fish-based.
The SNP was asked to comment, but they clammed up.
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