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Hollywood remembers Actor - just not very accurately



A Hollywood legend has passed. Colleagues waxed lyrical in the blandest of terms. Friends spoke of his untimely death caused by a lifestyle of doing things that will kill you. Followed by gushing tributes from people he owed money to.


Fortunately his obituary provided a translation for those not versed in Hollywood speak, he was described as a loving husband (meaning gay). A devoted father (so a cuckold then). The life and soul (a drunk). An Artist (unprofitable). A Visionary (bat $hit crazy). And uncompromising (definitely racist).


One Director described him as a mercurial talent (which means always late for work). An Action Hero (so he couldn't act). A Heartthrob (he definitely couldn't act). And was a firm Fan's favourite (so, hated by cast and crew).


He was one of the greats - old school (so a nonce, basically).



OAP categories added to Oscars


In recognition of the fact that old people's taste in film may differ from younger filmgoers, the Academy has decided to introduce several Oscars to be voted for exclusively by their OAP members.


The special awards, sponsored jointly by Saga Holidays and Tena incontinence pads, have already attracted a great deal of interest. Speculation is rife that the Best OAP Film will go to "You know, it's got that actor you like in it", with "The one with that woman who was in that other thing" coming a close second.


"He was in that film with that woman" is making a strong showing for Best OAP Actor, with Best OAP Actress likely to go to "Sorry, were you talking to me?" Suggestions to combine the two with a gender-neutral category were sent away with a flea in their ear, and mutterings about "That's not how we won the war..."


It's thought that winning actors and directors will honour the category not only by not preparing acceptance speeches, but by going on stage and forgetting what they went there for.



First published 12 Mar 2023



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Macaulay Culkin Demands Home Alone 4 more Oscar-Worthy



Following his brother's success at the Academy Awards, winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in A Real Pain, Child-star Macaulay Culkin has called a crisis meeting with the production team for Home Alone 4 and demanded the film is made more award-friendly.


Leaked first drafts of the script from Amazon were a direct reprisal of the 1990 smash hit, with Culkin as the family patriarch rushing across country after leaving a child at home. Like the original, the child would protect the home from burglars, but this time using products bought using Amazon's Prime service, and smart home features controlled by Alexa. Despite not having shooting dates or a cast, the film had already been panned by critics.


"The whole thing read like complete shlock," said YouTube Critic Mick N'Pick. "Just ninety minutes of advertising, playing the nostalgia card and rehashing bits from the first two movies but with none of the charm. Even having Catherine O'Hara hook up with Donald Trump reprising his role as guy-in-the-lobby from Home Alone 2 felt lazy. Hey, are you liking, subscribing and sharing? Because this kind of analysis doesn't come for free you know!"


Executives at Amazon have refused to confirm or deny rumours of a change in direction, or the hiring of every nominated film's writers by the studio. However, pictures of whiteboards in the writers' room posted accidently on social media show a mixed bag of potential directions for the film to go, along with vast amounts of Chinese food and cocaine.


"They've definitely shifted the tone," remarked N'Pick, "from a version where Kevin makes the journey with his mother that's straight up a copy of Green Book, dealing with his fame like Birdman, or going into a multiverse with a musical mixing Wicked and Everything- Everywhere; it's a real case of throwing jelly at the wall and hoping they hit paydirt. Though actually throwing jelly at the wall was rejected as a way to get rid of the burglars in case kids copied it."


On whether the changes would bring a second Academy Award to the Culkin family, N'Pick was circumspect, saying, "It depends on the year, on the way the tides are, and a million other variables. However, playing a favourable character from history always goes down well with the voters, so Macaulay's already halfway there with that one!"


image from pixabay


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