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Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)

Chaos! Cancelled flights leave passengers stuck in airports with British holidaymakers

Flights have been cancelled across Southern Europe as aviation staff undertake industrial action. That has meant continental Europeans being forced to share seating areas, toilets, and feelings of impatience with angry and sometimes sober British holidaymakers.

'Usually we only see them as we pass the terminal Wetherspoons,' said one Parisian en route to Prague to view a church ceiling. 'But this time we had to share contiguous spaces in real time.'

'Our children were crying,' reported a Latvian taking his family on a wild seed hunt in far-flung fjords. 'We have watched documentaries about British holidaymakers, but never thought we’d be forced to breathe the same bathroom air.'

It is understood that airlines usually allocate their oldest flying stock to ferry the animal-like Brits from Luton to Alicante, but the strikes have led to last-minute changes in logistical operations and the possibility of people from Huddersfield occupying planes unlikely to crash.

'If I’d known we would have been surrounded by people from the United Kingdom, I’d have taken out extra insurance,' said a cultured eye-glass polisher from Strasbourg worried that the strikes would render him late for a penny-farthing and Greek lantern exhibition in the Bay of Haribonesia.

Without tannoy instructions to board planes, Brits were seen shedding clothes and helplessly urinating where they stood. Meanwhile, males among the island tribe broke out into time-killing fights while others frustrated at the lengthy waits, and were seen demanding their human rights, free chips, and wireless lager.

Picture credit: Wix AI