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England football manager Gareth Southgate, still dazed from the fact that his team are winning penalty shootouts these days, has proposed a rule change to UEFA and FIFA, governing bodies of the European and World Cups respectively.
Under his proposed system, the two teams would start by taking 10 penalties against each other. Only if this failed to separate them would they then proceed to open play, which remains a weakness for the England team.
Southgate says the team's improved performance was the result of his brilliant revelation that they should probably practice penalties, rather than just hoping they never had to take them. "The results have been amazing," he told reporters. "Even [goalkeeper] Jordan Pickford turns out to be pretty good at them. Certainly better than I ever was.
"Makes me think my next gig after this might be to write a 'how to succeed' self-help book that basically says if you practice something a lot, you get better at it. Obviously I'll need to flesh it out a bit, but ghost writers are pretty good at that sort of thing."
Asked whether the team couldn't practice open play and get better at that too, he said "We do, of course we do. But all I can do is divide the squad in half and have them play each other, which doesn't help. You only learn not to make hopeless passes to no one if you're faced with an opposing team that punishes you for it, not one that just boots the ball hopelessly back the other way."
Satan is reportedly in negotiations with FIFA to sponsor the football World Cup, with Hades likely to bid for the 2038 or 2042 event.
A FIFA spokesman said 'Football is universally loved, so we have taken it upon ourselves to universally ruin it. First VAR, now selling the game directly to the Devil. If the host country keeps the cash flowing, executing journalists and criminalising gay people is practically encouraged. I silence my conscience with cash.'
'Plus, hosting a football tournament in Hell means the workers who build the stadiums are already dead so they can't die again. Result! In fact some of them died building the Qatar 2018 venues, so they've got the relevant experience.'
A spokesdemon distanced the Dark Lord from the project however, noting that 'FIFA is a bit evil for our brand right now.'
author: stewartbarclay
image from pixabay
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