Father Jack Hackett elected Pope

The Catholic world was stunned today by the speedy election of a new pope, following the sad demise of Pope Francis early this morning.

Father Jack Hackett, formerly of Craggy Island parish off the west coast of Ireland, is thought to owe his election to the tireless campaigning of Fathers Ted Crilly and Dougal McGuire, and his housekeeper Mrs Doyle bribing the cardinals with pots of tea and huge plates of sandwiches. 

Hackett is expected to be a relatively conservative pontiff, having described the poor and meek as “a shower of bastards”. His only views on women seem to be that he’s terrified of nuns but likes to see schoolgirls playing sport in their underwear, the latter putting him very much in the mainstream of Catholicism. Pretty much anything else he describes as “an ecumenical matter”.

His only pronouncements since gaining office have been “Drink!” and “Feck!”, which according to tradition were translated into Latin before being published as the encyclical “Bibendum Copulorum”. 

Father Crilly is said to have considered running for the papacy himself, until a scandal concerning campaign funds which he insists were just “resting” in his account. Father McGuire likewise doomed his own candidacy by laughing about “that mad cult” that believes in the guy coming back to life after three days, not realising he was describing Catholicism, as well as addressing Bishop Brennan as “Len”. Both frankly admit that their main motivation for getting Hackett elected pope was to make sure giving him his annual bath became someone else’s job.

As he was presented to jubilant crowds in St Peter’s Square, holding his ceremonial brick, Pope Inebrius the First (as he has chosen to be named) glared at them myopically and proclaimed “At last I’m off that fecking island!”

Image from pixabay