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The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness.
‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’
NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that other one.
Pablo (not his real name) is a fashion designer. He is wearing outlandish glasses and some kind of poncho. He only agreed to be interviewed on condition that we disguised his voice. After several attempts to explain that NewsBiscuit doesn’t have audio we gave up and promised to do it, so please pretend that this is being voiced by an actor.
‘I grew up believing in fashion the way other children believed in Father Christmas. All I ever wanted to do was make fabulous clothes for beautiful people. Looking back I can see that my Dad was disappointed – he wanted me to play for Aston Villa and drink pints.
‘Fashion school was a form of indoctrination. Insulation wasn’t even mentioned. We were terrified of missing a trend – I used to set my alarm for 4am so I could check out Japanese fashion websites and get a head start on the day. My best friend at college killed herself after a disastrous fling with moire silk. We all said it was for the best’.
If fashion disappears completely, nerds and fashionistas will be on more of a level playing field. Companies will have to do more in-depth interviews to filter out whichever type they don't want (usually nerds, unless the company actually produces something) and we might find more nerds successfully breeding. Whether that’s a positive remains to be seen.
Image from Pixabay by Pexels:
Piers (17) is taking History, English and Economics A levels. He doesn’t have a girlfriend. ‘I’m really excited by the new Rishi Collection’, he told us. ‘Slightly too-short suit trousers are in this season. My mum said so’.
Harry (18) is another fan. ‘When I leave university I want to work in the city and hopefully lose my virginity. Looking like I was dressed by my mum should help with both of those ambitions’.
It isn’t just the clothes which Rishi is admired for. His social media presence also garners respect.
‘He must be really busy’, said Clive, 16, ‘yet he can find time to tweet about the most trivial stuff. Did you know you can get over-the-counter medications from your pharmacist? It’s amazing that Rishi finds time to tweet minor stuff like this when he’s the actual Prime Minister. I think it’s the trousers. They help him to focus’.
Political commentators have suggested that repetitive tweeting about banal topics might possibly indicate the PM is clueless, rudderless, lacking direction, out of touch with reality and destined to break records when the election finally arrives – but what do they know? The man’s a fashion guru and an inspiration to millions. If the Cabinet was a boy band, Rishi would be the lead singer, flaunting his slender ankles like some latter-day Elvis or Mick Jagger. We had planned to end this piece with a quote from a young woman who has his picture on her wall and consults it for masturbatory inspiration but we couldn’t find one. Not one. They don’t exist. Rather like the Government’s policies.
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