Nigel Farage accused of threatening to make election almost interesting

Good old Nigel Farage, who hopes to become MP for Claptrap on Sea, has promised to reform Reform after staging a one-man coup and becoming its Supreme Leader. 

Voters in the constituency of Claptrap are grateful that they will now have an alternative to Count Binface as a candidate to vote for if they wish to wave two fingers at the tedious leaders of all of the serious but boring 'real' political parties.

Farage has certainly been popular, drawing crowds and receiving well-meaning, but poorly-aimed, dairy-based beverages.

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Farmers' union behind food-based attacks on politicians

The English National Union of Farmers (ENUF) has claimed responsibility for a series of food-based attacks on political figures, and warned that there are more to come.

"We started with egging that statue of Margaret Thatcher - you can thank the Egg Marketing Board Continuity Faction for that, they've never forgiven Maggie for Edwina Currie" said a spokesperson, face and identity hidden behind a really filthy tractor window.

"And we organised the milking of Farage, if you see what I mean. Thanks for wrecking our subsidies, Nigel. And we'll carry on to make sure all politicians know farmers have had ENUF."

Journalists were then told that a list of more targets had been mowed into a cornfield near Ipswich. The list included plans to throw "very plain" flour over Keir Starmer, apple juice over Ed Davey "though he might not notice", an "imported mouldy lettuce" at Liz Truss, and a dead duck at Rishi Sunak.

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BBC bookers express relief at Farage's latest attempt to become MP

Nigel Farage, the 21st century's Oswald Moseley, is planning his 85th run to be a Westminster MP, much to the relief of the BBC's political bookers.

'Phew' said one 'Now we can have Nige on everything, all the time, as normal. He can have his usual chair on Newsnight and Question Time. He can present Have I Got News For You and the 10 o'clock news and a maybe a few travel and quiz shows as well.'

'We were worried that we would have to book people who can string a sentence together without some xenophobic soundbites. Or worse, someone with progressive views. It's a good job there have never been any Green MPs. Ever. Not on Newsnight anyway.'

'If you think it's weird that we constantly book someone with the electoral success rate of Count Binface, but without the brains, charisma or morality, you have to remember that Farage is box office. Toxic, poisonous, racist box office, full of more effluent than the River Thames.'

'You'd want to have a pint with him, but only so that you can glass him.'

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