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One Tory MP can feed a family of five for a year




As the debate rages as to whether the poor would prefer to starve on 30 or 40p a day, one generous MP has donated his giblets to a local food bank. He explained: 'I wanted to prove you could eat economically, provided you weren't too picky about the taste of human flesh'.


The MP reported to his nearest abattoir and his final remains were repackaged as veal cutlets. Said one grateful recipient: 'He was a great MP but an even tastier main. And there was so much meat on the bone - they must have been force feeding him for years'.


For those wanting a vegetarian option, a local councillor from the Green Party has been approached. One dietician remarked: 'MPs are a rich source of free range meat which, in turn, should be served with a rich sauce'. A spokeswoman for the Vegan society said: 'Normally we'd say meat is murder but in this case, we say go for it'.

Mum sets new world record speed for telling family bad news



'It took us by surprise,' said Nicola, the daughter of record breaker Jan, aged 73. 'During a family meal out my brothers and I had begun remembering our old next door neighbour, Tony, when, no sooner had we mentioned him, mum chimed in to tell us that he's dead now. Couldn't have taken her any longer than 20 seconds'.


'It was actually 12.6 seconds,' said Jan, who also holds the record for number of times a mum over Christmas has asked her son why he and his girlfriend haven't had kids yet. 'The record had been in my sights for a while, so I'd made sure a representative from the Guinness World Records was present at another table timing it.'


Jan insists that despite the records she holds she isn't predisposed to the negative, and indeed when asked if she enjoyed herself at the family get together, she answered positively, saying that 'it was better than doing nothing'.



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