Major supermarkets now selling fruit 'for display purposes only'

The grocery sections in UK supermarkets must now show clear signage saying that 'all of the fruit for sale here is for home display purposes only', and 'under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt to eat it'.

A retail industry spokeswoman explained, "What we realised in 1988 was that the vast majority of the UK public had a strong desire to display bowls of lush-looking fruit at home, but no member of the family was actually allowed to eat it. 93.7% of all fruit purchased was to impress friends and neighbours, projecting the image of a household with a healthy-living lifestyle. Ironically, the fruit was 'off limits' to the household for as long as it still presented well in the bowl. The problem with the consumer behaviour cycle was that by the time it didn't look good any more, no one wanted to eat it. So the lead household fruit purchaser would have bin the rotten fruit and go out and buy new fruit which would then again be strictly eyes only for as long as could be stretched."

"This led supermarket purchasing departments to buy and stock ever-increasingly unripe fruit. 'Aesthetically pleasing' became the mantra in all outlets. Green bananas and rock hard nectarines became the retail industry standard. We have now reached the edibility horizon where no fruit is sold which ever reaches a ripeness window. So it is now a legal obligation for supermarkets to warn their customers that they should never actually attempt to eat any of the fruit they purchase."

Government admits losing PM's bucket and spade

At the end of a week which many observers believed couldn't get worse for Gordon Brown, it seems that even his plans for a seaside holiday in the genteel Suffolk resort of Southwold are now in jeopardy following the loss of the Prime Ministerial bucket and spade. 'I'm sure I left it in the back of this cupboard, but I've had everything out three times now and looked everywhere. It's sort of red with shells on, and a blue handle. You haven't seen it have you?' said the Prime Minister.

Regarded as one of the perks of office, the sandcastle-making apparatus is part of a beach leisure set used by many former Prime Ministers and their families and is rumoured to go back as far as Churchill. 'It's not a case of just buying a new one,' said Mr Brown, 'it's a part of British history and I can't go on this holiday without it, although it's not all doom and gloom - I've just found the li-lo.'

It is the latest in a series of disastrous losses for the government including discs of benefit records, MoD laptops and voters, but the Prime Minister's spokesman revealed that this was the thing at the moment causing Mr Brown most concern, and that his wife was asking him to get a move on. 'To be going on a traditional British seaside holiday that he didn't want to go on anyway, and to not be able to make sandcastles when you're there, well, Gordon's really having second thoughts about it all and making excuses so he can just stay here in Downing Street and 'work on through...'

The search for the missing bucket and spade, and also Clement Attlee's old brightly-coloured beach 'boule' set, will have to be put on hold for the rest of the day while Barack Obama is in town meeting important leaders as part of his 'getting to know you' world tour. But it will resume later tonight with the focus on a cupboard on the fourth floor of Number Ten, which Mr Brown is known to have a 'lucky feeling' about. 'So it's probably somewhere in the basement' said an exasperated Alistair Darling.

Mr Darling, who is due to take control of the government while the Prime Minister is away, is carrying out his own search with the help of several cabinet colleagues who are equally insistent that the PM should, 'in the name of God!,' go on holiday. However, a Minister called Milliband, who wished to remain anonymous was far more ambivalent about the missing items saying; 'Well, he's got his head so far in the sand, to be honest he'd be better off with Neville Chamberlain's digger.'

Written by Red.

Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles

Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.

A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.

Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’