Labour's last policy dies in captivity

Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'

Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.

Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'

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Government hails UK scientists’ discovery of doesn’t-matter particles

'I am so proud that British scientists have become the first in the world to unlock the mysteries of the "doesn’t-matter" particle,” a spokesperson for the government announced, at the Who Cares faculty of the University of Wherever.

'We already know that every particle of matter in the universe is matched by a particle of anti-matter. Their research has gone further, and has revealed that every little thing in this universe which matters is exactly cancelled out by stuff that doesn’t matter in the slightest. I can assure the scientists here that the Conservative Party, will be taking full advantage of their ground-breaking work for our own low and snivelling political ends.

'For example, is inflation too high? Just feed the data into their wonderful new "doesn’t-matter" converter and, abracadabra, it instantly doesn’t matter at all. Is there a scary amount of knife crime on the streets? Again, put it through the "doesn’t-matter" machine, and then knives will no longer be sharp and British streets will be happy places full of affluent people frequenting shops and restaurants which are still open for business.

'And we’re already using the "doesn’t-matter" device to ensure that the front pages of your daily newspapers are filled with totally irrelevant dross about Peter Crouch and Abby Clancy, rather than information that really does matter about how we’re ruining the country. Just think! If we’d had this contraption last year, around the time of Liz Truss’ disastrous mini-budget, then no one in the world's dealing rooms would have given a damn about that £45 billion black hole in the government’s finances.

'And that means Truss would still be in office today while the PM would be kicking his platform heels as an out-of-favour backbench MP with no hope of ever being a minister again. Oh, hang on. That’s not what this new machine is meant for …'

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Government calls in army to shoot anyone who looks like they might be protecting the planet

In a move to maintain its unblemished record of getting absolutely everything wrong 10,000 times in a row, the UK government has deployed the army onto the streets of London.

Downing Street clarified, 'Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati terrorism armed response police weren't shooting the people we wanted them to. Well, not in the numbers which satisfied our bloodlust. We were left no option but to call in the military, and give them strict orders to pump more lead into terrorists than we have pumped effluents into the Thames water catchment area.

'For the record, terrorists now include anyone making any attempt to remove deadly toxins from London air, people who look like they could be environmentalists, those potentially making their way to complain about illegal government policy, and next door's tortoise.'

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