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Newsbiscuit is proud to announce that for the first time in its history, it may have been able to influence government policy.
Your reporter was dismayed to see he was followed into a pub by a bunch of oiks from Tufton Street and had to overhear their witterings as they desperately tried to come up with new ideas on who to blame for the state of Britain under the Tories, other than of course, the Tories.
Luckily I found I had been given a shilling in the change for my pint of Olde and Filthye and decided to invest it in the juke box in the hope of drowning them out. Little did I know that the juke box hadn’t had it’s records updated since the 60s and without my spectacles, I had no idea which tune I’d selected, but as luck would have it, it cleared the riff-raff out of the pub when Tammy Wynette’s advice to stand by your man blared out and the Tufty Club unanimously said “That’s it! We can blame women who don’t stand by their men. The election’s as good as won already”
We can only speculate at this stage whether Sunak will capitalise on this theme to justify why he had to sack Suella Braverman, but some at Newsbiscuit HQ are coarsely saying that with a mouth designed for giving blowjobs, Cruella will almost certainly been making a few bob on the side that Sunak never knew about.
Ever since featuring in ‘I’m a Celebrity’ last year, reports indicate that Matt Hancock never left the Australian jungle featured in the hit reality series, but is instead living as a wild mammal in the local ecosystem. Ahead of the upcoming season, the filmmakers returned to scout new filming locations when they stumbled across the former Health Secretary living wild with a colony of koalas. Speaking to press, a bewildered producer described the bizarre encounter:
‘It was a real shock to be honest with you. Our boom operator found him clinging tightly to a tree, fast asleep and half naked. He had made himself a hair-piece out of twigs and leaves which a few birds had made a nest in. We all thought he made it safely back to the UK last year, but I suppose no-one had really thought of him very much.’
After waking, he treated the film crew as a threat and is said to have uttered a noise similar to the word ‘Farage’ before scarpering off on all fours. A local Koala expert provided additional context to how Matt Hancock may have found himself here:
‘Koalas are notoriously languid creatures, preferring to sleep most of the day than engage with one another. When they are awake, they are known to dribble urine and make slow grunting noises. If Matt Hancock was to display any of this behaviour in the presence of a Koala population, they may just accept him as one of their own.’
As a result of the remarkable discovery, ITV has released plans to make Hancock’s new living conditions a post-show requirement for any politicians looking to appear on the show, beginning with Nigel Farage’s debut on Sunday.
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