Peter Kay accused of historical farting offences

Peter Kay has been charged with historical farting offences. The 51 year old comic, known affectionately for his schoolboyish portliness, is facing claims from a library, a church, Bolton shopping centre, and some 200 clubs and venues that he farted on their premises between the years 2001 and 2014.

However the offences are thought only to be the tip of the iceberg. An officer representing Greater Manchester Police’s historical farting offences investigations, codenamed Operation Let Rip, says that over 12,000 other lines of inquiry are being pursued. ‘It is clear that Kay has a horrific history of farting in public.’

The news is set to destroy the comic’s carefully cultivated man of the people persona. ‘Peter Kay always said he loves pop,’ said one now ex-fan. ‘What is clear is that he just likes to go pop.’ Kay has recently and very publically converted to Christianity, some say as a ruse to cover his wind-breaking past. The grandmother fan was bitter. ‘He’s nothing to me now. Just another fat shit from Bolton.’

Operation Let Rip has taken down numerous celebrities for leaving steam bombs in places where children and essential workers pass through. In 2017, officers from Let Rip asked the Crown Prosecution service to consider bringing charges against James Corden when a member of the public claimed she passed out behind him in a Greggs queue. The woman said Corden’s farts ‘reeked of other-worldly eggs.’ Later that year an anonymous tip off led officers to arrest Adrian Chiles when he was overheard sniggering in a Halfords and asking his acquaintance, ‘Can you smell it?’ Chiles was charged with the arcane offence of ‘outraging olfactory morals.’

Repercussions of the investigations into farting offences by public figures have not been without controversy. Darts fans were upset when Alexander Palace was preemptively closed this year, while the curry restaurant industry has been decimated. Meanwhile Kay’s career looks to have been shattered as his farts have caught up with him. ‘But he’s still shitting in public,’ says a friend. ‘Kay will never stop farting. It’s who he is.’

Image: Pixabay/AsoyID

New year warning over Chinese air fryers

The nation has been alerted to be wary that the Y2K Millennium bug may strike again, after it was discovered that Chinese air fryer manufacturers have been using up stocks of old microprocessors in the control systems.

Technology consultant Charles Boffin explained to Newsbiscuit that he’s not sure how the chips will respond on New Year’s Day, but it could result in under or overcooked food, so it’s best to use conventional cookers until you’ve had the chance to test the air fryer on a meal you cook for your mother in law.

A spokesgeek for the government said “It’s probably a load of old bollocks again, but to be on the safe side, ministers who own air fryers have been allocated an extra three thousand pounds on their expenses for New Year’s Day, so they can dine out and hopefully by the following day, we’ll know where we stand.

Pensioner Gordon Ramsbotham said “I wouldn’t give yer tuppence for any of this new-fangled gadgetry. I remember when everyone was rushing out to buy the Sinclair C5, but how long did that fad last? Bloody ridiculous ideas they come up with…”

Image: Pixabay/katarzyna

Porn in woods during 70s was put there by Santa

Younger readers will not realise that pre-Internet the only way to access pornography was to put on your wellies and get on your hands and knees. Ironically being on your hands and knees in wellies, is now a profitable OnlyFans genre. Your hope, as you navigated a local copse, was that some kindly pervert had left discarded pages. The erotic equivalent of a food bank, or a 'wank bank', if you will.

Quite why someone who had purchased a magazine felt the need to tear out pages, remained a mystery. It was if the reader could not grasp the concept of re-readability or a bin. Now, however, Santa has confessed it was him: 'January to November is a quiet time for me, so I thought - what other kinds of gifts could I distribute, to put a smile on children's faces. I say children, it was very specifically boys aged 13 to 16.

'I had in the infrastructure in place to magically be in all woods at once. I didn't even need a naughty and nice list, we knew all the boys were on the naughty list - and didn't give a shit. Your average teenager doesn't wamt to hear Ho Ho Ho, he wants to see her. He wants to come down her chimney and empty his sack. Magically covering his bed room in a white and sticky Christmas residue.

'Be honest, you always assumed it was an old man leaving pages, well you were right. And it couldn't have been the Tooth Fairy, when not collecting teeth, he takes all the used socks that the boys have soiled. It was either him or your Mum, and I think we both agree, to save embarrassment, we would rather believe in the Tooth Fairy.'

Image: Pixabay/jplenio