Brits can ignore Election coverage thanks to Euros, Wimbledon

A General Election on 4th July means that the Euros (from 14th June) and Wimbledon (joining in from 1st July) will save millions from eye-gougingly tedious General Election build up coverage.

UK sports fans have been pouring beer and/or Pimms over themselves in celebration at missing out on clips of Sunak and Starmer pretending to listen to questions from idiots or failing to perform basic physical labour whilst wearing a hi-vis jacket and hard hat.

Sport scientist Karolina Krychowiak said 'The only thing you have to be careful of is Euros games involving England and Scotland because you may have to endure carefully orchestrated photos of the leaders sitting awkwardly surrounded by cheering sycophants, pretending that they're watching "the footballs", with "some pints" and "their mates" because "they're just like you". ' 

'What a load of balls.'

Picture credit: Wix

Counting the cost of football coming home

Mum of three teenage girls, Mandy Middlemarsh woke up this morning dreading the cost of England women's team winning the European football championships on Sunday night.

Speaking exclusively to Newsbiscuit, Mandy explained that whilst she is all in favour of her daughters having role models it costs a bloody fortune everytime a new sport is flavour of the month.

"First up is was Elle Simmons which wasn't too bad seeing as none of my girls can swim anyway so they didn't really want to follow in her footsteps. Plus all those early morning would have killed our Chelsea as she really loves her bed. And it wasn't too bad when that Fallon Sharrock won a few darts games against the men as all I had to do was mark out a line 6 ft down the hall way and let the girls throw darts at the kitchen door. Not that that fad lasted long"

"Then things started to get expensive. When Victoria Pendleton and Laura Kenny started smashing it in the velodrome, well of course they all wanted state of the art bikes that are all now rusting in the shed. Then there was the women rowers a few years back at the Olympics, well I don't think they realise just how difficult it is to store three canoes in a 6th floor flat or get them on the roofrack of a Nissan Micra to transport them to the local canal."

"And that Emma Raducanu, don't even mention her. Just winning seven matches cost me an arm and a leg with her carbon graphite racket and different shoes depending on whether she's playing on grass, hard court or clay. And none of my girls got a contract with Dior out of it I can tell you."

"Last year it was Skye Browne and skateboarding and I lost count of the number of trips we made to A&E for innumerable bumps, bruises and breaks. Now it's all about the female Lions and the cost of a different home and away kit every two seasons."

"And as if that wasn't bad enough then that Chloe Kelly had to go and put her foot in it by whipping off her shirt and suddenly all three of mine are demanding fancy sports bras and I just know even though she is only 12, my Shirley is gonna have massive tits so that's gonna be expensive isn't it. Unless they sell them in the middle aisle at Lidl."

Image: Pixabay/Jarmolunk

England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"

After weeks of disappointedly saying "Oh, it's just birds" whenever he turned on the TV and saw the England women's team playing, football fan Dave Concrete has grudgingly admitted that the women's game might be the real thing after all.

This change of heart is thought to have come when he realised the England women's team were doing rather well, and were in fact more likely than their male counterparts to win a tournament anytime soon.

However, this newfound respect for the women's team doesn't seem to have translated into knowing anything about them, as Concrete remarked that he "really liked the blonde one with the ponytail... no not her, the other one... hang on, are we the ones in white?"

However, the female referees at the tournament have come in for criticism for their habit of giving out red cards and responding to player protests by turning away, arms folded, and saying "Well if you don't know what you did, I'm certainly not gonna tell you."

image from pixabay