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Due to system glitch Euro 24 VAR only allowing own goals



Due to a bug in the VAR programme, the only way players can get a goal to stand at this year’s Euros is by sticking one in their own net, it has been reported.


From disallowing goals if a player is even standing on the same pitch as the opposition’s keeper, to calculating offside to within an eighth of an inch of an amoeba’s eyelash, VAR is cancelling goals left, right, and definitely centre of the six-yard box at this tournament. With the human video assistant referees seemingly more powerless to override the computer’s decisions than a wronged sub postmaster on Horizon, increasingly frustrated players are finding the only way to bypass the system is to deliberately score own goals just to get their name on the score board.


If the issue is not resolved before the last 16 matches, this year’s Golden Boot will be awarded to the player who scores the most goals to knock their own team out of the tournament. England are considered to have an unfair advantage under this scenario.




Your mate insisting that England need to adopt ‘high press’



One of your mates is incessantly banging on about the need for the England football team to employ a ‘high press’ tactic without having the slightest idea about what it means, it has been confirmed.



After hearing the phrase mentioned by every sodding commentator, pundit and journalist, your friend is sure that a lack of ‘the press’ is behind England’s lacklustre performances in the Euros so far.



‘We need to employ a higher press for sure against Slovenia’, confirmed your mate just now after hearing Alan Shearer mention it again on TV.. ‘All the best teams do the press thing much better then us. They’re pressing for England’.



‘Rice and Alexander Arnold should be constantly pressing’ continued your mate. ‘24, 7, 365, they need to be on it. Press enter to continue, press here to exit, press the bell to stop the bus. Watching old episodes of Press Gang. Why doesn’t Southgate get it? ’



‘Trent needs one of those Corby trouser things, and Declan should be given a massive orange squeezer or something. I mean, how the hell are we supposed to compete with the Spanish when our guys having even the most basic pressing equipment?’.



‘It’s not just me saying it’, explained your mate. ‘All the journos think we should be using the press more too. There’s definitely pressure from the press about the press’.



It has been confirmed that your mate will continue talking about the press until tonight when he will hear pundits discussing ‘the low block’.



Viewers angry as journalist fails to describe German team as ‘clinical’


An unnamed sports journalist at the BBC is subject to an internal investigation after complaints were received that a description of the German team’s performance against Hungary didn’t include the words, ‘clinical’ or ‘like a machine’.



Viewers watching the game were treated to words like ‘creative’ and ‘inspired’ and the lack of descriptions based on continuously reinforced, fatuous and xenophobic clichés left fans feeling angry and confused. One viewer said “It made me think I was watching the ballet” another said “He clearly knows nothing about football. He should be more like Jason Cundy.” Other viewers were more forthright with one saying “this is just typical of the wokerati deepstate trying to turn our children gay”




With the German team not being described as ‘efficient’ many fans reported that their basic understanding of the universe had been obliterated with some experiencing feelings of being dislocated in space and time and questioning the meaning of their own existence. This has led to more call for the BBC license fee to be cancelled.




It is unclear what caused the journalist at the centre of the investigation to do this, sources at the BBC say bosses are quietly making plans to transfer him to Gardeners Question Time.



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