Trump says Europeans can join Ukraine peace talks - and serve the coffee

At a White House press conference this morning President Trump revealed European countries could be involved in the Ukraine peace talks.

'Vladimir and I think it would be nice to have them there,' said Trump. 'Really nice, so nice. There will be difficult moments in the negotiations and it is then we will all need to break for coffee. Hopefully the Italians are there. Their coffee is great, especially with those free little biscuits, I always take a big handful of those.'

He went on to say, 'European input into the negotiations will be important, everyone there will want a croissant to begin with, can’t start on an empty stomach. The French understand that. Yes, we’ll have the Europeans here as long as they can quietly serve everyone without getting in the way, and I’d love it if they could wear white gloves too. Very smart. I get the staff in Mar-a-Lago to use those too, you know, especially when handling classified documents.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Actually, we do have free speech, you wanker

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EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.