European Commission to introduce trappings of democracy

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.

'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'

A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.

'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’

'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'

The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.

'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'

Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)

PM announces plan to take UK into a 'Retro-EU'

It has emerged that the Labour Govt have purchased a second-hand decommissioned seventies version of the EU, complete with a full set of early treaty documents, black plastic folders to carry papers around, and matching brown PVC desk and chair sets in the Continental style of the time.

The relics were spotted by a junior UK diplomat, in a Paris flea market, while he was off duty. He reported the finding to his superiors, who saw an opportunity to reset relations with Europe after 14 years of Conservative rule. Recent attempts to negotiate with the EU have become bogged down in details over the divergence of the UK from EU norms since Brexit.

"The current domination of the EU parliament by right-wing groups has proved a sticking point in re-establishing relations as fully as we would have liked" said a govt spokesman in a wide-collared brown suit with matching wide brown tie. "The original EU was perceived as much more left-wing" he continued, "and despite the Commissioners assuring us that the recent election of huge numbers of right-wing MEPs, can have no effect on actual policies, it is still a problem in terms of optics"

Upon joining "EU 1.0", the UK will not be bound by modern EU rules and laws, and it will be able to claim to be in a trading block, although it will be a block of one. When questioned about rumours that the govt will try to get Iceland to join by offering them unfettered use of UK fishing grounds, the spokesman described this line of enquiry as "a fishing trip"

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UK to be towed to Pacific under terms of new trade deal

Following the roaring success of the migrant barge programme, the population of the UK will be loaded onto container vessels and transported to the northern Pacific ocean, so that the definitely-not-in-the-EU nation will qualify for the Trans Pacific Trade Partnership that its government has recently signed up to.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/127071-127071/

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