Polar Bears Seek EU Membership

Polar bears, the iconic leviathans of the Arctic, have decided to apply for membership in the European Union. The move comes amid rapidly rising tension in the planet's far north.

'Let's face it, we're kind of caught in the middle up here,' said Nanuq, Chairbear of the Polar Council, the bears' governing body. 'On one side we have a megalomaniacal dictator seeking to expand his territory by wholly unjustified brute force, and on the other there's Putin.'

Nanuq noted that the Council debated whether to seek NATO membership but concluded that 'the Bloated Orange Biped' would present an insurmountable obstacle. However, Nanuq seemed crestfallen when informed by a reporter that the EU in fact has no armed forces directly at its disposal. 'Well then what bloody good are they?' she sighed. 'I suppose we should have had someone read up on this before our vote.'

The polar bears' confusion comes as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Contemporary Ursine Affairs at the University of Svalbard. 'We offer the bears an annual seminar on understanding human politics, but we have yet to receive a single applicant,' he said. 'To be fair, I'd probably also rather be out hunting tasty seals than sitting through yet another dreary Zoom session.'

Image: Hans-Jurgen Mager (@hansjurgen007) | Unsplash Photo Community

Comédie Sans Frontiers

In an effort to rebuild relationships with the EU; and to appeal to gammons stuck in the 1970s, Lisa Nandy, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport is to tell the BBC to organise a multi-national game show similar to It’s a Knockout Jeux Sans Frontières, but with comedians competing against each other to tell jokes about Brexit.

Predictably, Nigel Farage is opposed to the idea as he doesn’t want voters remembering his involvement in the brainless scheme he spent his entire political life campaigning for, and is the reason why we no longer have fresh food in the shops and have to queue for hours at borders when taking holidays.

Lisa Nandy though, thinks he should embrace it, as although Brexit was 8 years ago it’s easy for Farage’s place in British history to be forgotten unless the world is frequently reminded what a loudmouth moron he is.

The architects of Brexit would all feature in the competition, by being held in stocks, while the audience show their appreciation at the jokes by throwing rotten fruit at them.

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EU offers to take all UK under-30s off our hands

In a generous offer that marks the end of the post-Brexit breakdown of relations, the EU has offered to take off our hands all the productive young people in the UK who have any sort of initiative about them. Any person under 30, if they can find a job or a course in the EU, will be allowed visa-free travel to participating EU states for four years. The visa will then be converted into permanent residence if they prove useful enough to earn a moderate salary. We can have back the useless, lazy ones.

Older generations of UK citizens, many of whom voted for Brexit, will not be allowed to take up this offer. They will be left in a country with a shortage of young people and increasing healthcare costs. Rather cleverly then, the EU's long-term plan to centralise economic activity on the mainland will be achieved despite Brexit.

Pretending, with a straight face, that this is a benefit to the UK, the EU is proposing that we repay their generosity by educating their students at subsidised rates. EU students who struggle to get places on the mainland will be encouraged to move to this damp and windy island to take up university courses at UK taxpayers expense. This will serve to boost our vital university sector, which by itself makes the whole plan an excellent idea and likely to go through on the nod.