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Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series



Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.


The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.


Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.


I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg



Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.


Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.


'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.


'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.


'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.


'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'


Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.



PM refurbishment: Johnson now accused of 'papering over the cracks' of shite leadership


Boris Johnson looks to be facing further investigations into his refurbishment activities, after evidence revealed a litany of trading standards breaches, and cowboy behaviour by the PM.


A dossier against Johnson includes numerous examples of misleading quotes for refurbishment work, including an unfulfilled promise to build 40 new hospitals, and to return £350 million a week to some customers from a client that he no longer worked with.


'A decade ago he was suspended on a zip wire over the Thames', noted one voter today. 'Now he's using 'build back beaver' soundbites and doing that really annoying elbow-pump thing with his sleeve rolled up and an inane grin on his face all the time. It's hardly a Grand Designs style transformation, is it?'


Experts in the DIY trade have suggested a range of tips and techniques that Johnson should use. 'He needs a basic primer on leadership', said one painter and decorator. 'And please stop using that rag and roll technique on his hair. Its so 1980s Eton.'


'If its a distressed style that he is aiming for, though what most of what he does is certainly distressing', continued the decorator. 'And this insistence on only using Farrow and Ball wallpaper? Well, with his actions through the pandemic he's half way there as that's been a total Balls up.'





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