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England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"



After weeks of disappointedly saying "Oh, it's just birds" whenever he turned on the TV and saw the England women's team playing, football fan Dave Concrete has grudgingly admitted that the women's game might be the real thing after all.


This change of heart is thought to have come when he realised the England women's team were doing rather well, and were in fact more likely than their male counterparts to win a tournament anytime soon.


However, this newfound respect for the women's team doesn't seem to have translated into knowing anything about them, as Concrete remarked that he "really liked the blonde one with the ponytail... no not her, the other one... hang on, are we the ones in white?"


However, the female referees at the tournament have come in for criticism for their habit of giving out red cards and responding to player protests by turning away, arms folded, and saying "Well if you don't know what you did, I'm certainly not gonna tell you."


image from pixabay

Subbuteo table soccer's latest edition to feature drunken England fan


In what is being seen as a groundbreaking move, table football icons, Subbuteo, last night announced that they will be including a drunken England supporter in their World Cup edition which is being launched later today.


A spokesman for the company told reporters: 'We at Subbuteo think it’s important to reflect all the aspects and nuances of the modern game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a model depicting an English fan who has quite clearly had too much to drink.


'To authenticate the staggering gait of a boozed-up supporter we have abandoned our usual rounded base design for this model, in favour of an irregular, octagonal affair, so that when the figure is flicked forward in the time-honoured Subbuteo style, it will veer around alarmingly before toppling over, simulating the behaviour of somebody who is so drunk they don’t know if they want a shit or a haircut.


'During matches, the figure can be laid down outside the stadium with his Union Jack shorts around his ankles, remaining there for the duration of the game, before returning unsteadily to the box about 4 hours after the final whistle.


'The deluxe model will feature a realistic small plastic turd which can be placed inside the shorts to replicate a person so inebriated that they’ve lost control of their bodily functions.


This version will also feature a replica jail cell and three uniformed, foreign police officers holding long nightsticks, who can be flicked towards the imprisoned fan as he lies unconscious on the cell floor simulating a good beating by anti-English cops.'


Whilst being widely welcomed by table soccer enthusiasts, there were some detractors who voiced concerns last night.


A spokesman for the “Please Drink Sensibly” organisation told newsmen: 'Yer f**kin’ bashtas yersh! Yer f**kin’ f**k! I’ll tek the f**king lot of yersh! You’re me besht mates you are!”






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