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Shopping centres across the UK are set to capitalise on the huge energy loss that most people experience as soon as they step foot on their premises during the Christmas period, it has been confirmed.
It is thought that billions of kilojoules of energy are currently wasted every single day in December, as thousands of people exhale loudly, start cursing and totally lose the will to live, the minute they enter a crowded indoor shopping centre.
‘As soon as I see the dreary parade of Officers’ Club, The Works, and Perfume Club stores, plus that calendar shop that magically appears on December 1st in every shopping precinct across the sodding country, every ounce of energy instantaneously drains from my body’, said a weary Mike McBride, sat forlornly on a bench outside a rammed ‘Vape Express’ shop. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t walk another step’.
‘When I see the crowds wandering aimlessly without any hope around Primark, I just want the world to end. And that frankly piss-poor attempt at a Christmas window display in Rymans is enough to push anyone over the edge’, continued McBride.
‘And no, I am not thinking of changing my bloody broadband provider before you ask’, growled McBride to a bemused Sky salesman wearing a Santa hat at a pop up stand.
‘It’s actually a well-known scientific phenomenon’ said Mark Da Costa, Professor of retailing at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘A rapid loss of energy after encountering an uninspiring, overpriced, garishly decorated retail unit’.
‘We call it the WHSmith effect’.
‘The energy expelled could be used to power a small town’ continued Professor Da Costa. ‘Or another 3 soulless shopping precincts’.
The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:
1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.
2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.
3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.
4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.
5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.
6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.
7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.
Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.
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