Elon Musk to investigate who blocked Mike Waltz’s toilet

White House officials have said they will set ‘the best technical minds’ they have on investigating an embarrassing blockage in the National Security Advisor’s crapper.

‘I take full responsibility but I don’t know how it got in there’ explained Waltz at a hastily convened press conference, where he appeared to be wielding a plunger and was dressed in damp overalls.

The toilet facility commissioned and maintained by Mr. Waltz, in Mr. Watlz’s office for his own personal use suffered a significant malfunction or ‘code-brown’ earlier this week, leaving the Trump administration both red-faced and scratching their ar…heads over who is to blame.

‘He’s doing a big job’ said the President on Thursday of Waltz, ‘the biggest job in fact; they say his jobs are the biggest actually, so maybe there’s a glitch with the plumbing, Mexican plumbing I heard....maybe we could get some bleach in there, you know?’

Historical reenactor Musk tweeted that he’d get to the bottom of the matter as soon as possible, though the DOGE team originally assigned to the task had accidentally fired themselves this morning.

https://pixabay.com/photos/wc-barrier-free-toilet-disabled-111092/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.

Sales boom for petrol engine Tesla cars

Elon Musk is celebrating a sales boom for Tesla cars. The models in the greatest demand are those with petrol engines – which is odd, as Tesla only builds fully electric cars.

We spoke to an auto industry insider, to understand what’s going on. Richard Scratcher, owner of Dirty Dick’s Chop Shop in Alamo, Nevada, says that it’s all to do with sales of converted Teslas. The Chop Shop works with a Tesla dealership, offering new cars which have been converted by replacing the electric engine with a new General Motors V12 internal combustion engine.

Richard says, ‘Sales of my Tesla Model 3 DBD are booming. That’s DBD, not DBS, like Aston Martin. DBD stands for Drill, Baby, Drill.   And that’s a big clue about who is buying these cars.

‘Republican’s are keen to support Trump and keen to support the First Buddy, Elon Musk. So they’d like to buy a Tesla to show their support.  But at the same time, they hate environmentalists, they don’t believe in climate change, and they really, really hate electric cars.

‘So I solve that problem for them. They get to buy a new Tesla, to help out Elon, and they get an all-American V12 engine and twin exhausts and a fuel consumption of 8 miles per gallon. That sounds bad, but it’s a US gallon, not one of your Imperialist gallons. And that’s why sales are booming.

‘I’ve also got a great deal going on secondhand cars. I can buy Teslas cheap from disillusioned Democrats, convert them, and sell them on at a premium price to Republican blowhards.  And that’s how we’re making America great again.’

Photo by Charlie Deets on Unsplash