Reviewing Ed Davey's schedule for the next few days

Friday, May 31

Visit to skate park. Make sure he's wearing a helmet and knee and elbow protectors.

Monday, June 3

Visit to climbing wall centre. Make sure he only goes on the kiddies' section

Tuesday, June 4

Visit to go-kart centre. Make sure he only goes on the child circuit. No racing with anyone. It may cause him to crash.

Wednesday, June 5

Bouncey Castle World. We should be OK with this one, but make him wear a helmet anyway.

Thursday, June 6

Waterslide. Have a frogman on standby. He is bound to fall in.

Friday, June 7

Tandem Skydiving. TANDEM SKYDIVING!!.  Are you sh*tting me. How did that get in there? Cancel immediately.

Image by manseok Kim from Pixabay

Starmlin purges party of “counter-revolutionary elements”

In a surprise move, Sir Keir Starmlin has moved swiftly to purge the party of what he called 'reactionary and counter-revolutionary elements'.

In a Pravda editorial thought to be by Starmlin himself, former party members Diane Abbottovic and Faiza Shaheeniev were accused of conspiring with the exiled traitor Corbsky and attempting to bring about counter-revolution. And also liking a tweet ten years ago.

The traitors were dragged from their beds in the middle of the night and arrested. It’s thought they will offer no defence of their actions, as a result of the recent ruling that accusing the NEC of making a mistake is itself a treasonous act. Party workers will now begin the work of airbrushing them out of any photos showing them next to the Dear Leader.

When the arrests were announced at a party meeting, they were met with applause lasting several hours, as people feared that whoever stopped clapping first would probably join them in the gulag.

Image credit: Wix AI

Sunak to gift every Tory voter £2,000,000 in the election

In what's being seen by many commentators as an uncosted promise, PM Rishi Sunak will announce during a keynote speech guaranteed £2,000,000 single payments to everyone in the country who votes for a Tory Party candidate in the coming general election.

The upbeat, almost-billionaire, was quick to dismiss naysayers who slammed the idea a risible gimmick smacking of desperation, with the writing now clearly on the wall for his cabinet of out of touch spivs and chancers.

'Not at all,' he told a puzzled Naga Munchetty. 'This landmark bribe... err... award, I mean, is long overdue and sits firmly alongside our key back of a fag packet twin pledges to bring back National Service and the subtle-as-a brick-in-the-face-but-better-late-than-never attempt to buy off our pensioners.

'What we're naming our 'plus two million' initiative, is a great deal for the country. It's being funded from the weekly £350 million we used to give to foreigners in the EU. Now, after eight years we have a pot of £144 billion to play with. It's another Brexit win. Rule Britannia. Oh, and maybe with a bit of luck with the bunce we might even get round to fixing some potholes.'

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay