Tory MP who plans to stand at next election asked "What are you thinking?"

Lee Anderson has astonished colleagues by announcing that he is planning to stand at the next general election.

"What the hell is he thinking?", said an amazed Sir Graham Brady, "I've already cleared my desk and started looking through the job ads; the electorate in my constituency have ordered a vat of tar and a sack full of feathers, I'm going to be as far from the election as legally possible."

Of the 354 Tory MPs, 353 have already said they plan to leave parliament at the next election.

"Sir" Jacob Rees-Mogg has been looking at new positions. "One has been sounding out various opportunities; I've approached a bell foundry after being advised that I might have an aptitude in that area; I've noticed several colleagues in the house mouthing the phrase "bell-end" when I give a speech."

image from pixabay

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Erdagon, and on and on...

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Preview of Tory party manifesto

A leaked copy of the Conservative party’s election manifesto read by Newsbiscuit and translated by our political editor from the three-word sentences it is written in, says that they plan to level up the country by ensuring middle and upper class citizens get access to food banks.

The gist of the manifesto outlines the policy thus: It is entirely wrong that hard-working individuals and their families are prevented access to free food, purely on the basis they are not in receipt of benefits. Britain needs a fairer society, where access to food banks is available to all.

To ensure everyone can get the food they regularly eat, we will introduce legislation that requires food banks to supply quail’s eggs, game and foie gras. This will be paid for by bringing back prescription charges to those who are currently exempt.

Unlike the current policy where most food bank users are expected to collect food parcels themselves, it seems that busy senior executives who can’t be expected to waste their time queuing, will be allowed to send servants and slaves to collect their food hampers.

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