Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted

Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.

'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.

'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.

'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.

Eton School was unavailable for comment.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/steveriot1-6715269/

Forst published 27 Nov 2022

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Government takes rapid action to root out rip-off degrees

In the final days of the current parliament, the government is taking rapid action against low value ‘rip-off’ undergraduate degrees.

A spokesman said, ‘There are too many low quality courses, and we wanted to act fast. We could have chosen courses in media studies, golf course management (essentially watching grass grow and playing in sandpits), retailing (shelf stacking), observation of the drying of paint, or that course about Taylor Swift.

‘However, the most egregious and useless courses are clearly those in politics. Just look at the quality of the students with politics degrees. It’s awful. They don’t understand the difference between good and bad policy, they just parrot stuff they've read on ultra-right or ultra-left social media apps. They are very poorly prepared for the world of work – the evidence is all around us. 

‘The courses themselves are also very weak. The politics curricula (note correct use of the plural there, you riff-raff) contain little or nothing on morals or ethics, good practice, or good governance. It’s often all comparative crap – comparing politics between Russia, Rwanda and Rutland, for example. And the Oxford PPE course (that’s Politics, Philosophy and Economics, you plebs), is only one third politics in the first place - that's not good value.  Look behind Oxford University's ivory tower facade and you'll find it's just plywood.

‘So we will close down and refuse to fund politics degrees, even though the courses offer valuable lecturing jobs for failed politicians like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss.

‘Our new plan is for Politics apprenticeships. These vocational courses will be more hands on and practical. Work placements in national and local political parties will give the students front line political experience, dealing with issues about potholes, noisy neighbours, and dog poo.

‘How can we expect politicians to bring peace to the Middle East if they can't even resolve a dispute between neighbours about overhanging branches?’

Image by Steid from Pixabay

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