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The Lib Dems have promised that, if elected, there will be more premiership football games featuring Ed Davey on free to air television. They see this as an excellent policy – popular and also cheap. This has inspired them to make further plans to ‘sort out the telly’.
Ideas under consideration include:
- fewer adverts during films, and no sneaky backloading of adverts towards the end of the film. How annoying is that?
- bringing back David Tennant as Doctor Who, and toning down all the gay stuff.
- a strict quota on ABCDEFG programmes. The acronym refers to programmes about Antiques, Bargains, Clothes, Disasters and DIY (including DIY disasters), Emergency Services, Food and Gardening.
- reducing the 1% Club to twenty minutes, as there are so few quiz questions and far too much banter.
- all streaming services to be free on Sundays
- a new version of It’s A Knockout, with teams of politicians. This is mainly on the list because Ed Davey is very keen to participate, and because he imagines that a Lib Dem team might actually win.
Image: Newsbiscuit
Sir Ed Davey frustrated his political aides today by demanding “just one more go on the swings” before giving a press conference.
The Liberal Democrat leader, whose election campaign has so far involved sliding down a waterslide, riding a bike down a hill and paddleboarding on Windermere, was today campaigning in a playground in a park near Solihull.
Aides warned him the press were already there and might take photos that would make him look silly, but he insisted. “‘Course I won’t look silly, I can go really high, look - wheeeeeeeeee!”
“I know it looks terrible,” said one aide, speaking off the record, “But you tell him no, and you can see his lip start to wobble and you know he’s going to cry. Sometimes it’s just not worth the aggravation.”
Eventually Sir Ed agreed to give the press conference on condition he could have ice cream afterwards, any flavour he wanted. He used it to set out his policy programme in full:
- To be allowed to stay up as late as he wants
- Never to have to share his toys
- His own room, ‘cause his younger brother’s just like so annoying
- Children’s TV to be on all the time
- Summer holidays to last forever, with no homework
- Official recognition that boys are way better than girls
- Chicken nuggets or fishfingers for tea every day, and no vegetables ‘cause they’re horrid
His aides hastily wrapped up the press conference, announcing he wouldn’t be taking questions as he had to go to a ceremony where he was being given a lollipop for being such a big brave boy and not crying when he grazed his knee.
image from pixabay
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