Only the Lib Dems can win here

Lib Dem campaigners have descended on the Vatican with their familiar orange placards. ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here,’ warn the activists, wiggling their placards in a mildly threatening, yet inclusive, way.

The statistics are convincing. Based on a re-analysis of general elections in the UK since WW2, alongside a re-imagining of local government and mayoral elections since 1966, and a highly defensible and academically rigorous translation of those results onto past papal elections, it is abundantly clear that only the Lib Dems can win.

A spokesman told us, ‘Only the Lib Dems can beat the right-wing traditionalist candidates to be Pope. And only the Lib Dems can beat the left-wing modernising namby-pamby candidates to be Pope. If elected, we will change the papal colours from purple to orange, as it’s more sustainable. Make sure you are in Saint Peter’s Square at 2pm today – Ed Davey is doing a truly hilarious stunt.’

When questioned, the spokesman seemed unclear who the Lib Dem candidate was, but did forcefully reiterate that ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here’.

Image: WixAI

Out now: Ed Davey sings Abba

Ed Davey joins Cirque du Soleil

Liberal Democrat leader Sir Ed Davey, after an election campaign that was characterised throughout by attention-grabbing physical stunts, announced today he's decided to join noted circus troupe Cirque du Soleil.

The troupe are known for their spectacular shows, often in Las Vegas, featuring astonishing acrobatic feats. It's thought Sir Ed has been practising descending from the ceiling wrapped in a huge ribbon which gradually unwinds, the troupe's signature move, though he will no doubt learn other routines once he's a member.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash