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In the wake of the solar eclipse that passed across the United States today, Donald Trump unveiled a new slogan - “Make America Bright Again”. “This never happened when I was president,” said the Republican candidate, now busy campaigning for the November election. “Just remember, under crooked Joe Biden, you don’t even get reliable sunlight during the day.
“When I was in power, the sun shone all the time, the weather was perfect. It never rained, except when farmers needed it, in which case it rained exactly the right amount and only on their fields.” He then set out a plan to build a wall around the sun so that the moon won’t be able to cross in front of it in future, explaining that the builders wouldn’t be burned to a crisp because they’d do it at night. “And they’d be Mexicans anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.”
Hearing about his opponent’s statement, President Biden rubbed his temples and said that half of America could indeed do with being a bit brighter. He then issued a warning that Trump’s face had now become such a bright orange, it wasn’t safe to look at it directly without special glasses.
US scientists have just the plan: 'The trouble with a four-minute solar eclipse, is it's way too short. We need to permanently dial down God's thermostat. So we propose shifting the Moon into a regular blocking position or find the off-button for the Sun.
'We've had 10 record months of heat in a row, but that can all change if we find enough sticky tape to hold the Moon in place. Failing that, we'd need to make a 1,000-mile-wide Moon shape on a stick. A stick which would need to be 200,000 miles long. I suppose we could compromise on the stick if the person holding it had very long arms. But in practical terms, it's unrealistic to expect one person to hold that stick for that length of time. They would ache.
'So really we're back to the idea of extinguishing the Sun. The key is to lick your fingers and squeeze the Sun real quickly. We don't anticipate there being a downside to switching off the Sun's rays - other than the collapse of the sunglasses industry. Oh yeah, and all of you who invested in solar panels are going to look pretty stupid now.'
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