UK rejoices after fall of Starmer's brutally boring regime

'It's the best Christmas gift ever!' cried Sharon from Uttoxeter, brandishing a dinky bottle of Babycham in the middle of London's Trafalgar Square, which was packed with people rejoicing at Keir Starmer's sudden escape from the UK.

''I've been keeping this bottle specially for the occasion,' giggled Sharon.

'For six months solid, the Starmerist regime has been boring us all to tears. It's been torture. Now, at last, life might get remotely interesting.'

Sir Keir was last seen at Gatwick airport on Saturday night, buying non-alcoholic grape juice from Duty Free before catching an Easyjet flight to Brussels. At one point, his plane disappeared from the radar screens and was thought to have crashed, but it turned out the radars considered the flight too tedious to follow.

'Belgium has always been a haven for very insipid people,' said Piers Nondescript, a researcher at the Institute for the Crushingly Dull. 'Sir Keir will fit right in to life there, regulating paperclips or the like.'

Starmer's position as the brutally bland head of Britain's government started looking rocky after two massively uninteresting political scandals - one involving someone buying him a new pair of spectacles and the other about one of his ministers pretending to lose a phone.

'I think this drove people to the brink,' continued Dr Nondescript. 'After Brexit, Boris and Truss they'd got used to a rich diet of chaos and total failure. They just couldn't stand any more of Starmer's unrelenting tedium.'

'You look at things in Syria,' screeched Sharon, spilling most of her sickly-sweet sparkling pear drink down her blouse, "and you think nothing that exciting could ever happen in Britain.

'But now it has! The pound could crash and the FTSE could go to zero because of all the political turmoil, but I don't care. We're free of the grey mildew of Starmer's rule!'

Sterling fell by eighty cents against the dollar on news that Angela Rayner might take over as PM.

Man happily surprised to find out all fast track places sold at airport

Martin Bosworth's annual stress-inducing trip to the Algarve, accompanied by his wife and at least three children he recognises, was expecting the stress to be off the scale this morning when he turned up at the airport, realising he hadn't remembered to book a fast-track place in the security queue.

'I'd been advised to book in advance for a fiver, then the one and a half hour wait should have been cut to five minutes, tops,' he said to reporters today. 'When we walked in we immediately took our place behind the half mile long snake of a queue, but were approached by an official who wanted to see our fast track booking reference. When I explained I hadn't booked fast track he forced us to leave the queue and stand in the non-fast track alongside, comprising of three people. Through in minutes,' he said beaming.

'Now all I need to do is arrange to have my baggage lost, trampled by a tractor and sent to the wrong continent. Then - I can relax,' he said.

Flight Simulator 2022 : UK Flights Edition to launch

Enjoy the disappointment of your cancelled holiday from your home with the UK Flights edition of the Flight Simulator series. Building on the thrill of not being able to take off or land due to incomplete pilot skills, you can experience the flight simulation from the perspective of simulated passengers - or passengers as most airlines refer to them these days.

You will experience the accurately modelled hours of tedium and frustration felt by thousands as all of your flights are cancelled after a six hour wait, unless you are still using a Pentium in which case you will have this experience on any version of flight simulation.

But wait... even more... buy the expansion pack and experience the excruciating joy of days on hold waiting to make your compensation claim while your simulated baggage is directed on to several other cancelled simulated flights before being crushed by simulated baggage trolleys and sent to a simulated destination you will never see.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/tobiasrehbein-11751606/