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He has risen!


An 8-year-old boy rose early this morning and plans to spend the entire day eating Easter eggs, it has been announced.



Damien Bratt has informed his parents that he doesn’t want any breakfast, as he has already eaten six large Easter eggs.


He plans to eat several more Easter eggs throughout the morning, in between sugar-fuelled bouts of running around the house knocking things over, while making as much noise as possible.


After refusing to eat his lunch, Damien will eat some more Easter eggs, before rushing outside to jump up and down on his trampoline until he’s sick all over the cat.


Following a brief sugar-crash, Damien will refuel with some more Easter eggs, which should keep him in an annoyingly hyperactive state until well past his usual bedtime.


He will eventually go to bed very late in the evening, but he plans to wake his parents up several times during the night when he experiences a series of terrifying, chocolate-induced nightmares.


Damien’s mother Kate told us, “I hate Easter – it’s worse than Christmas. At least at Christmas there are new toys to distract him from eating all his sweets at once, but at Easter all he wants to do is eat chocolate eggs.”



When asked how she plans spend Easter Sunday, Kate replied, “My sister bought me a Baileys Easter egg, and a large bottle of Baileys to go with it. Hopefully I’ll be lying on the sofa in a drunken stupor before the Songs of Praise Easter special comes on the telly.”


Sky wins Easter Week TV contract




The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.


The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.


'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.


'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.


‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.


The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.


‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.


‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.


‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.


'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.


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