The Pope out of hospital ready for series of gigs at St Peter's Basilica

'All set for Easter?' knocks 'All set for Christmas?' into second place

‘All set for Easter’ is now the number one question asked at bus stops, according to a new poll.

‘The days are getting longer, but you wouldn’t believe it, would you?’ is straight in at three, pushing ‘But you’re not allowed to say that anymore are you?’ into fourth place. 'Did you get anything nice from Santa?' is still making a strong showing.

Data analysis shows that people you vaguely know but haven’t spoken to in a couple of years are now 57% more likely to talk about a Netflix series, while Downton Abbey is hardly referred to at all. Hollyoaks remains popular with the 3-12 age bracket. Call the Midwife is favoured but is believed to be a seasonal outlier.

Polling expert, Professor Sir Malcolm Granger said:

‘Have you been following Love Island? What? No, me neither. It's shit isn’t it.’

The poll reveals the type of question asked at a bus stop is influenced by how long you have to wait. Refugees in dinghies will typically kick in after one minute, Wokeism in two, Meghan and Harry in three, and capital punishment and castration in five. Where’s that bus got to? arrives about forty-five minutes later, with most respondents blaming the hijab, although you’re not allowed to say that anymore, are you?

Experts fear next year's bus stop poll will be far less accurate as participants will be obliged to show photo ID such as a senior citizen’s bus pass, a passport, or membership of the Ku Klux Klan.

As Easter temperatures soar new report says Britain's seaside destinations are still shite

Despite the UK basking in balmy temperatures over Easter, a report has found the British seaside holiday is still completely shite.

The report concludes: ‘During Britain's annual two sunny days, media sources will often boast of temperatures “hotter and Marbella", as some kind of jingoistic justification Brits should eschew foreign destinations and opt for taking holidays at traditional seaside resorts. They are misguided.’

‘Imagine a pretty little beachside bistro in Portofino. Glamorous, sophisticated couples sit at tables eating lovingly created fish and pasta dishes while sipping delicious chilled local wines.’

‘A comparable experience in Skegness is more likely a fish and chip takeaway located on a traffic-clogged road, where one must jostle one’s way through hordes of brawling skinheads, singing football chants and throwing beer bottles at rival supporters.'

Nevertheless, feisty Gina Plopp, landlady of The Seaview B&B in Skegness (en suite rooms - tea & coffee making facilities), has hit back. ‘That report's nonsense. Britain’s seaside is the best place in the world for a holiday. There's donkey rides, candy floss, Punch and Judy for the kiddies and when it’s wet we got all-day Bingo.’