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Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story



The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad news stories about Trump, Gaza, Ukraine, Tariffs, Climate Change, AI threats and Inflation-Recession-Stagflation-Cost-of-Living.


And just in time for Easter, too! How fortunate.


The Krafty Americans, temporarily rebadged as the meaningless Mondeleeez, know how to get good press. After all, they have only cancelled the 360g dark chocolate bar. You’ll still be able to get the ordinary ones, orange ones, caramel ones, white ones, peanut ones and coca-cola flavoured ones. They will still be clogging up airport shops all over the world. And you’ll still be able to get dark chocolate Toblerones in other sizes, including the tiny little ones. You know, the ones that used to be 100g, but are now down to around 60g after removing a few peaks.


You can bet there wouldn’t have been as much coverage if the 360g bar had been cancelled and replaced with a 330g bar.


Yes, decent news stories about anything nice, like chocolate, ice-cream or sunbeams, are in short supply. And the media does often suffer a dip in advertising at Easter. So running a non-threatening news story about a chocolate bar to give Mondeleeez some free publicity seems fair enough.


Other cosy news stories coming soon: 'Creme Eggs to have added vitamins', 'Peace in Ukraine after exchange of Chocolate Oranges' and 'Scunthorpe plant to start making Irn-Bru'.


image from pixabay

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'



Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do.


His family were initially sceptical given his past failures, but his wife said she was willing to give the marriage one last go, provided he had done what he promised. To which Oliver replied: 'I absolutely have. Now I just need to pop out the front for something completely not connected. Not the bins! I saw, a dog. Yes, a dog. He was chasing a squirrel. And, well, that needs checking on. How do I know whose dog it is? Was obviously he's not not there now. So, don't go spying on me. I'll be back in five minutes, once I've put the dog out.'


There was some confusion given that bin collection fell across the Easter Weekend and whether Jesus would have approved of recycling, on the day he himself was recycled. Biblically speaking there is a fine line between tribute and just taking the piss. When the topic was of Easter was raised with Oliver, sweat beads and a panicked look broke out on his face. 'What do you mean the bin days have changed?!?'


image from pixabay

He has risen!



An 8-year-old boy rose early this morning and plans to spend the entire day eating Easter eggs, it has been announced.


Damien Bratt has informed his parents that he doesn’t want any breakfast, as he has already eaten six large Easter eggs.


He plans to eat several more Easter eggs throughout the morning, in between sugar-fuelled bouts of running around the house knocking things over, while making as much noise as possible.


After refusing to eat his lunch, Damien will eat some more Easter eggs, before rushing outside to jump up and down on his trampoline until he’s sick all over the cat.


Following a brief sugar-crash, Damien will refuel with some more Easter eggs, which should keep him in an annoyingly hyperactive state until well past his usual bedtime.


He will eventually go to bed very late in the evening, but he plans to wake his parents up several times during the night when he experiences a series of terrifying, chocolate-induced nightmares.


Damien’s mother Kate told us, “I hate Easter – it’s worse than Christmas. At least at Christmas there are new toys to distract him from eating all his sweets at once, but at Easter all he wants to do is eat chocolate eggs.”


When asked how she plans spend Easter Sunday, Kate replied, “My sister bought me a Baileys Easter egg, and a large bottle of Baileys to go with it. Hopefully I’ll be lying on the sofa in a drunken stupor before the Songs of Praise Easter special comes on the telly.”



First published 8 April 2023



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