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By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.


'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.


'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'





Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'


The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.


'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

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