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The Earth is going through a phase where it is ridding itself of unsightly stains and spillages.
'I've been eyeing up the other planets, and they're all like cool and trendy looking,' said Earth. None of them have to put up with yukky oil slicks, toxic waste and climate change deniers smeared all over them.
'So I got this idea from wankers who make and buy self-cleaning ovens. At first I thought you probably just pop in a special tablet and those types of ovens would cleanse themselves like a dishwasher or something. But when I looked it up, it turns out that they're designed to heat to 500 degrees and scorch any smeggy bits out of existence.
'What a squandering, lazy waste of energy. But hey, if the rich just do it without a second thought or any consideration for the consequences, then....
'Next I want to get some sexy rings like that gorgeous Saturn. It means getting The Moon to explode into tiny little pieces, but I'll just get some large comet in to do that. Where I'm going, you don't need tides.'
Image: Newsbiscuit
By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.
'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.
'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'
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