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Curry Mallet, a village of 302 in southern Somerset, has broken ranks with the rest of England’s small settlements by announcing publicly that it does not want drivers to go through it whether they drive carefully or not. A sign to this effect was put up at the entry to the village last night.
Some analysts now fear that many other harrassed hamlets may follow suit. Potentially it might lead to the worst outbreak of rural off-handness since 1976, when a dissident group of Suffolk villages asked tour coaches if they wouldn’t mind awfully not parking in the lanes by their manor houses.
‘I’m fed up with doing the polite middle-class thing,’ Curry Mallet told reporters at a press conference last night. ‘Are these townie muppets interested in my Norman church? Are they even stopping for a reasonably priced lunch at the Dog & Partridge? Are they bollocks. They’re just cutting through me to get to the bright lights of Taunton.’
Instead of welcoming careful drivers the village has erected a new sign aimed at passing motorists which simply reads: ‘Polite Notice: F*@k Off’.
Updated: Nov 23, 2021
A train driver from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that his greatest wish is to be a 10-year-old boy.
Toby Dell, 54, told The East London Gazette: 'When I get home from my train driving job in the evenings I often start daydreaming about one day being 10-years-old.
'I imagine myself doing things like collecting conkers, scrumping apples, having wrestling matches with my dad in the back garden and pulling girls' ponytails in the classroom.
'When my wife's out shopping or visiting her sister, I put on a pair of tatty shorts along with a grubby white shirt and a poorly knotted stripey tie.
'I then go out in the street and kick a football around until it gets dark and I have to go home for my tea.
'I've been jeered at and even beaten up a few times but it's worth it to live my dream."
Mr Dell's revelation comes just two weeks after the current Miss World told Hello magazine that she regularly dreams of one day becoming a gawky, skinny teenager with glasses and braces on her teeth that can't get a boyfriend for love nor money.
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