David Cameron to join cast of EastEnders

The showbiz world is tonight agog following a shock announcement former PM, David Cameron, is to make his TV acting debut in top BBC soap EastEnders later in the year.

Reprising the role of James Wilmott-Brown and perfectly cast as a feckless toff, Mr Cameron's character will become a thorn in the side of tough guy Grant Mitchell, with the pair's blockbusting storyline concluding in the highly coveted Christmas Day episode.

'We expect ratings to soar from November when David's scenes start to go out,' commented one show insider.

Meanwhile Ross Kemp who plays Mitchell said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting Dave. But if he knows what's good for him he'll keep his neck wound in. Else the muppet's liable to get a right good slap if he tries coming it large with any of that old "Lord Muck" bollocks.'

Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

While the inquiry into the Horizon IT scandal continues its work, the Post Office has now admitted that the accounting system prior to Horizon may itself have been faulty. Abacus seemed at first glance to be a relatively straightforward rod and bead apparatus, but sub-postmasters have revealed they had their doubts about its accuracy soon after it was installed.

Raj Williams, who ran a small village post office, said problems started almost immediately after he received his Abacus from Post Office Counters. 'It just didn’t add up,' he told us. 'I’d be pushing these beads about for each transaction and at the end of the day what was on the Abacus didn’t match what I had in the till. I rang the Help Desk but they completely ticked me off. Told me to pick it up and put it down again.'

Meanwhile, The Post Office concedes there might have been an issue with sum devices, but insists nobody is making a drama out of it and any compensation due will be tabulated in the usual way.

A spokesperson for Fujitsu commented, 'At least we’re not in the frame for this one.'

Photo by Kati Hoehl on Unsplash

Rutland demands its fair share of BBC spending

The BBC needs to spend as much on television content in Rutland as it does elsewhere, say protestors.

They claim the corporation spends almost nothing producing content in Rutland.  Even the TV series Rutland Weekend TV had been filmed in London. Adding the detective series Shetland could just as easily have been filmed locally and called Rutland instead. Licence fee payers in Rutland ‘deserve better,’ they said.

‘We’re calling for a year-on-year increase in locally produced content until we are getting our fair share of BBC spending. We are fed up being the butt of the joke,’ said parish councillor Colin Dull, citing the band called the Rutles and their album ‘A Hard Day’s Rut’, and the cartoon series Beavis and Rutt-Head.

'The BBC should play a greater role in Rutland - portraying and shaping the Rutland identity,' he added.

A BBC spokesperson said: 'The BBC is committed to audiences in Rutland and indeed everywhere in Great Britain, and to all of the media and creative businesses based in Rutland, if indeed there are any.'  He went on to say that Rutland had benefited economically because two episodes of "tweet of the day" on Radio 4 were recorded nearby, and a part-time BBC researcher had lived in Oakham until 2012.