Pontius Pilate outlines banned groups

Roman Governor Pilate confirmed today he will no longer talk to the following groups, ahead of next week’s Passover celebrations:

• Anyone against the occupation of Judea by foreign troops

• Any person who has overturned - or is planning to overturn - money lenders’ tables in the temple

• Anyone else who feels first century capitalism might perhaps need some reform

• That bloke campaigning for reduction in hypocrisy amongst religious and temporal leaders, world peace and equality for all. Can’t remember his name.

Mr Pilate confirmed from now on he would only be interviewed by people who agree “at least 90% with everything I believe”. ‘What works for clever-old me should work for everyone’ said Pilate. ‘Doesn’t matter whether it’s schools or the civil service. If you’re not smart or rich enough to do well in my systems, well, blame whatever god you happen to believe in. It’s not my fault.’

A spokeswoman for Jesus said ‘While we are disappointed to be outlawed, persecuted and facing almost certain death, it won’t be in vain. Two thousand years from now there shall a Gove from Scotland come forth, and, as Jesus’ loyal servant, will keep all His commandments. Although the Gove will also somehow agree 100% with Pilate’s approach. And stop the boats, whatever that means. Don’t ask me. I’m only the prophet, not the interpreter. ‘

Image:Pixabay/Airgilstudio

How dare you bully Diane Abbott, says Labour, that's our job

Westminster awash with plagiarism, has seen multiple distinguished racists jostle to attack racism, while being a sneaky bit racist. Said a close friend: 'Diane regular recieves more abuse that all the other MPs combined. And that's just Keir Starmer's WhatsApp group.'

The Labour front bench were keen to emphasis that they got there first. However they agreed to a cross-party commitee being established, to see if there was a fair method by which they could all put the boot in.

Labour confirmed;'We've already suspended Abbott for racism, not ours, hers. So if we can bully her over bullying, we'll have reached peak irony.'

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Only 20 Prime Ministers until polling day

The government has set a cap on how many more Prime Ministers it will allow to run the country before the next General Election.  'Twenty, tops,' stated a government spokesman, adding, 'and only that many if we can stop the lunatics having a vote.'  It isn't clear which lunatics he was talking about, but the consensus is that any attempt to eliminate lunatics must be a good thing.  Therefore, any attempt to eliminate any of the current Tory MPs automatically eliminates some lunatics.

'Now that Hunt has found £20 billion of headroom, there must be an opportunity to bring back Truss, she'll blow it in no time' suggested one MP, while another suggested that Boris coming back 'for a day or so' could see that headroom safely allocated to a chum on the VIP lane.  Other MPs think that there should be opportunities for previously untried Prime Ministers.  30P Lee Anderson thinks he'd make a great PM, as long as Labour promise not to sniggle, while Priti Patel thinks a smirking PM could be a real asset.  Most of the potential PMs are thought to be MPs at greatest risk of losing their seats - the pension of £125k per annum index linked for life each is thought to be a significant motivator.

'We'll probably have a leadership challenge next week, and the week after,' the spokesman said.  'It won't serve any practical purposes, but at least the country won't be watching the rest of us syphon wealth away while the spectacles continue.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures