Rescuers attempt to save Westminster man trapped by his own lies

A major operation was underway in Downing Street this morning. Emergency services rushed to the scene after receiving dozens of calls reporting a trapped man inside number ten.

The man is known to security services and has a long record of embellishing facts, stretching the truth and telling the most outrageous porkies. This includes tax hikes, claiming Jeremy Corbyn wanted to scrap Jeremy Corbyn and something about forty new hospitals.

The Head of Search and Rescue said it was a difficult operation, and his teams were working in incredibly challenging and dangerous conditions.

‘We believe the sheer weight of lies and falsehoods finally caught up with the man, and the rug was suddenly pulled from under his feet. The upper floor then collapsed under the weight of bullshit which brought everything down on top of him.

Our rescuers are keeping him warm by wrapping him in the rug, and I’m told they have every confidence he won’t run out of hot air anytime soon. The rapidly escalating situation is very much touch and go. We touch him and then we all want to go.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

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Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

The last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers", Janice Edwards, is to step down next week. Janice led a six-strong image management team put together to ensure the Prime Minister always had that 'just rolled out of someone else's bed' look.

"The team was set up right after he was elected. Some continuity was needed to maintain that trademark crumpled look - he referred to us as his touslers, and it sort of stuck, " confided Janice. "Initially, we had myself and Richard on hair and make-up, Carole and Laura on jackets, ties and shirts, and Garry and Katriona on trousers".

"Poor Kat. In those early days, we really didn't know how ... er ... potently fecund the PM was. Working in close proximity to 'wee Boris' , even through several layers of fabric, was enough for her to end up pregnant. We had to rotate the assignments and beef up the PPE. Then Jeanne had a couple of scares, and within six months, a third of the team was on maternity leave. Even Garry started complaining of ovulation pains."

With the COVID lockdown, the much-reduced team found their tasks far more stressful, with the PM having to tousle himself - under close Zoom supervision - for long periods of 2020.

"If you look back through the briefings, you can see that the quality of the tousle suffered dramatically", confided Janice. "This was a terrible time for us as we literally watched all our hard work unravel in front of the whole country."

The decision was eventually made to disband the Touslers early this year, with Janice remaining on to help train up their replacement - consisting of a number of ex-Warrington Wolves rugby league players in NBC suits, a couple of stout ropes, and a length of hawthorn hedge.

"It lacks finesse, but it is effective, and - hopefully - no more pregnancies."

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Russia wants its money back from British embassy traitor

Following the arrest of an employee in Britain's Berlin embassy who was allegedly passing intelligence to Russia, the Kremlin has asked for a full refund.

"We paid David S a fortune to feed us high-level intelligence from the British government," said a Russian government spokesman. "However, he gave us nothing that you could possibly call intelligence."

"All we got from his bug inside Downing Street was a constant stream of plummy-voiced burbling, which our agents can make no sense of whatsoever, and night-time quarrels – apparently over the new wallpaper and a badly-behaved mongrel called Dylan."

"That's how the Russians got stung," said a senior MI6 officer. "There's no point trying to spy out British state intelligence. There isn't any left."