Sue Gray breaks official world record for longest printer jam

The Guinness Book of Records has officially declared Sue Gray as the new world record holder for 'longest printer jam', a title traditionally held by Mitch McConnell of the American Republican party.

Grey's printer has now been jammed for over 72 hours, beating McConnell by 5 hours. Observers are unclear as to the cause of the jam. Some claim that it's a rogue champagne cork, others that the printer is literally choking itself with disbelief. Some even go so far as to assert that the jam is caused by actual jam.

The original jam occurred on page 22,342 of the 22,343 page document, which witnesses claim was "really annoying". When Grey tried to pull the page out it tore in half and then the printer made this weird sound and a red light that no had ever seen before started flashing. The police were called and they did that thing where you kind of roughly shake the drawer part. When that failed, Westminster called in the photocopier manufacturers who are still working on "having a think about it" and maybe "calling China for some kind of special spring"

Sue Gray is using the extra time to review the term 'bunch of fuckwits' with her legal team.

Image: Pixabay/Clker-Free-Vector-Images

Ukraine invasion speculation a convenient distraction from Partygate, claims Putin

The UK Government needs to stop whipping up hysteria about Russia potentially invading Ukraine and focus on more pressing domestic issues, Vladimir Putin has claimed, like how a mercenary was able to infiltrate Whitehall and attempt to assassinate Boris Johnson with a Victoria Sponge, or how it was possible for the Prime Minister to not realise he was at a party when it was obvious neither Jacob Rees-Mogg or Priti Patel were in attendance.

A leaked version of an explosive statement on the matter is said to have Putin accusing Tory MPs of stirring up tensions in the region in an opportunistic bid to avoid sinking in their own never-ending stream of shit, insisting that 100,000 of his troops had recently made the three hundred mile journey to from Moscow to the Ukrainian border to test their eyesight.

‘I mean,’ the Russian President is said to state in the statement, ‘If they are trying to exaggerate the situation over here in an attempt to divert attention away from themselves, how low can the people in 10 Downing Street go?’

Not very, apparently, if the reports about revellers breaking Wilf’s limbo stick are true.

Image: Pixabay/Public DomainPictures

Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’

Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.

“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.

“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”

Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.

One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.

“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”

Image: Pixabay/Bru_nO