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Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.
'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'
It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.
BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'
A spokesman for senior, but otherwise ordinary civil servant Sue Gray has admitted she met with Prime Minister Boris Johnson on a number of occasions.
Ms Gray, the country's top civil servant, met the Prime Minister a couple of weeks ago and insisted that the Sue Gray report would be issued without any edits.
He said that in a subsequent meeting, Sue Gray, MBE insisted that the majority of the details would be provided without redaction. After a further meeting, according to the spokesman, Sue Gray OBE would consider some edits but it wasn't until the Prime Minister met Lady Gray did she agree to let the government advise on edits, but didn't commit to agreeing to any of them.
He said that Her Royal Highness, Queen Sue Gray, VC, DSC, DCMG has determined that she is way too busy to issue the report and has agreed to knight Sir Boris Johnson at the earliest opportunity.
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