Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer

With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.

In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.

'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.

'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.

“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!

“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.

'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'

Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”

With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.

story: chrisballard

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bstad-3630924/

Boris will leave Drowning St with head held high

NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St

An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.

"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.

"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.

"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."

Image: sasint | Pixabay