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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"



"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith


First published 29 Jan 2022



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UK Government finds huge amount of coins down the back of a massive sofa



The government has discovered a record amount of currency down the back of a massive sofa kept in an underground warehouse near Downing Street.


'This is a windfall for our national balance of payments' said one minister. 'We were really beginning to worry about how to pay off our debts this year, but luckily, after a good rummage, we found loads of spare coins.'


Much of the money is in ten and fifty pence coins with a few notes. Some is stuffed in brown envelopes. There is also a collection of old buttons and a key that no one knows anything about and doesn't appear to unlock anything.


'The fluff alone could pay for the BBC well into 2023' the minister added.


No one is sure about the origins of the sofa. Some believe it was brought in by Churchill who liked to use it for sprawling on and eating cheese sandwiches. During lockdown, ministers used it for jumping up and down on while quaffing champagne and laughing at proles.


'We believe this is how some of the coins ended up there', the minister continued. 'We do have a lot of angry pensioners saying the money belongs to them but that always happens when you find some spare cash doesn't it?'



First published 22 Jan 2022



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Dick Turpin knighted in New Year’s Honours


It was announced today that notorious highwayman Dick Turpin will receive a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours list.



“We realise it’s a controversial choice,” said palace spokesman Sir Anthony Bufton-Tufton. “But if we’re going to knight Sadiq ‘Ferengi’ Khan, whose main achievement is the amount he’s extorted from motorists, doing the same for Dick Turpin isn’t that much of a stretch.”



However, some have complained that Turpin’s methods lacked the finesse of Khan’s.



“I mean, pointing a pistol at people, it’s so vulgar. And frankly unnecessary, when these days we have speed/ULEZ/congestion charge cameras that let you rob people without having to be there in person.



“Likewise the amount of money Turpin stole is frankly pathetic. He gouged less from road users in his whole criminal career than Khan gets on a slow Tuesday!



“And of course, Turpin never pretended to be motivated by anything but greed - there was no flannel about the environment, road safety or even robbing the rich to give to the poor. If we start giving out honours to reward honesty, where does it end?”



Others objected that Turpin was unsuitable on the grounds of being long dead, but it was decided this requirement, if adopted, might prejudice many current members of the House of Lords.


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