Tom Hartley to be fast-tracked to cricketing failure

The England Cricket Board is thrilled with their win against India and about the brilliant performance of bowler Tom Hartley.

Work is now in hand to fast-track his career. As demonstrated by many before him, the usual trajectory is unexpected success, wild expectation, setbacks, teeth gnashing, mentoring, tabloid expose, time off, wild speculation, cautious return, limited success, family issues, mental health issues, inappropriate banter, tabloid fury, IPL contract, fantastic performances in India, dismal performances for England, disappointment, regret, grief, embarrassment, resignation.

English Cricket says that the process towards inevitable downfall is currently taking far too long and ties up too many resources. They feel it will be in everyone’s interests to speed up the whole process, and are working on a plan to do this.

A spokesman said, ‘England supporters prefer to have low expectations of the team, and to expect defeat. They find it unbearable if the team have a passably good player and there is even a small chance that the team will win, because the inevitable defeat will only hit them harder.’

Tom Hartley was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be in discussions with a team in the IPL.

Photo by michael weir on Unsplash

Cutting down from 7 bins? Where to throw the unused ones

After Rishi Sunak's announcement, a team of philosophers and dustmen are working on the best way to dispose of the unused bins.

A spokesman explained, 'As you know, before Sunak (BS) we had seven bins and these were used for metal, food, plastic, cardboard, clothing, government pledges and broken Brexit dreams.'

The government has released guidance suggesting that food and cardboard can be combined as by 2028 they'll be the same thing anyway, having clothing to recycle will be a distant dream, so that won't be necessary. Finally, the plastic bin should be put into itself for recycling.

Government cracks down on the grumbling industry

The government has vowed to help more people kick the habit of grumbling by restricting their right to vote. From the 4th May grumblers will be turned away from polling stations if they are deemed to be voting too often.

One grumbler said: ‘It got so bad I was voting every chance I got. General elections, local elections, you name it. I was finally offered help by the government and was able to turn my life around. I’ve stopped grumbling altogether and asked my local council to put a block on my polling cards.’

If you have a problem with grumbling, you can call the National Grumbling Helpline which offers free advice and counselling. Voting – together we can beat it.